A Little Honesty

My life has been unhinged for just over a year. When my daughters were launched, I found myself unmoored, repeatedly hitting the rocks, unsettled and unsatisfied with my life.

The world I had created was lovely, but it no longer suited my needs. Suburbs, while fantastic for raising kids, were a death sentence for a single adult.

My home, huge by any standards, became a burden of maintenance with little to justify it. I continued to write, but I did not publish.

So this post is to explain some of my next posts. They are “out is sequence” because I wrote them while I wasn’t publishing. This one is current. I plan to put it into the queue and have it go out immediately. But, it will be followed by a smattering of current and older posts.

I have explained in previously I have no control over what I write and I’ve learned to just write it anyway and let it go so that new stuff can be written.

Sorry for any confusion. Just know, you are getting my story a little out of order.


The Queue

It became essential that I finally look up the spelling of “queue”. I finally learned how to spell it without spell check kicking in,  which is more than I can say for “soliloquy”. I promised myself if I spelled that wrong I wouldn’t have corrected it. It sounds self congratulatory to point that out. But, I digress. IMG_6685

I recognize I don’t choose the topics, but that they originate in our lives in how we spend our days. Once a topic is in queue I must write about it even if I would never consider letting anyone else read it. It must be written or it jams up the queue.

Nasygrams, spiteful thoughts and politics….because I can’t write about politics without the risk of losing my job. I hope I haven’t said too much in a blog, but it is not in a political context. I could argue that.

I would prefer to use my writing time on things I can publish. I made the political party aware that I had taken a hit to run for them and they won’t answer my calls. I’m done.

My newspaper full of topics I can’t write about, my emails and email address have all been cancelled. I told the party myself that I was not going to continue to pursue trying to get my letter banning me from engaging in politics rescinded. After the party bunted the responsibility for my letter back to the public service I thought, “Seriously?”

I enjoy writing. Why not enjoy the fruits of it, even if it comes down to the number of likes? At least I know people are reading it and I hope it brings benefits to them.

My hope is by redirecting my time to other priorities and mostly eliminating politics from my life, other things, things I can publish, will populate the queue.


My Voice

My computer screamed at me as I went by. I had promised I would write a little during my day. This was my first opportunity and I usually have a smoke and then write. I had already decided to go directly out onto the deck. My mobile speaker, my daughters bought me, Fritos and Pepsi. Yes, it is a sunny day and I’m going old school, except for my iPhone and bluetooth speakers.IMG_3319

Writing has become increasingly important to me since I began trying to speak in my own voice. I was trying to write the sentence you put on your twitter profile, or as the first sentence on your web. A sorta catch line if you will.

The conversation I would be having if there was someone here. Admittedly one sided, but I am speaking to myself. This is the voice in my head, when I’m thinking in words, which can be a distraction, so I’ve tried to minimize it as much as possible.

There is simply so much more information if you allow yourself to experience it instead of telling yourself what it means or what to call it. I seem to be getting off track here.

A soliloquy. Me explaining my understanding of the world, the way I experience it. It might be a little biased, but I’m trying to understand things by writing about them.



Well, that’s gotta be significant. I got up and walked into the kitchen to make my double espresso to go with my smoke on the balcony.IMG_6719 There was a black spider hanging in my way. I couldn’t get past it to the coffee pot. I just came from the kitchen letting Sophie in and out and so it appeared in that short bit of time. Also, the location. If I had not seen it, it would’ve hit me in the face as I walked. It was very precisely located.

I’m going to look up the meaning of spider. I went to my most trusted source, Linsdomain.

The most striking thing is that it spoke to the thought I was having before I decided to go for a smoke.

“A spider totem teaches you balance —
between past and future, physical and spirit, male and female.
She is strength and gentleness combined.
She awakens creative sensibilities
and reminds you that the past is always interwoven with the future.
Spiders are the keepers of the primordial alphabet
and can teach you how to write creatively.
Her body is shaped like the number 8 and she has 8 legs,
which is symbol of infinite possibilities of creation.
Her 8 legs represent the 4 winds of change and the 4 directions of the medicine wheel.
Spider’s message is that you are an infinite being who will continue
to weave patterns of life and living throughout time.
Do not fail to see the eternal plan of creation.
Those who weave magic with the written word usually have this totem.” Linsdomain

The spider was gone when I returned to the kitchen. Just a wisp of a web. Still cool though.


Missing a Mate

Sophie went outback. I think that has become our walk compromise. She can wander and get lost in the smells for quite some time back there. So I can write.

I was thinking again about why I enjoy writing so much and it is pretty much a circular argument of the writing makes me feel good so I write. It is possible that it is the lack of an intimate friendship. I have a few close friends but I don’t see them very often. Families and cities and jobs. We all have them. I am still working on the concept that it might be time to consider a romantic partner. That sounded awfully cold.

But it is my mind, at this point, keeping me from pursuing this. I have a thought at the base of that and I don’t know what it is. I believe something false, because I know the right answer is not to be alone. Look outside, even the birds are in pairs. Many species mate for life. The thing we all have in common is that it is in our natures to want a mate. That’s the bit we’re missing in ourselves.

One moment, I have to go let Sophie in.