Drunk and Stoned. Yeah!

I hooked up the control to the speakers in the burgundy room wrong. Now I have sound bleed in the family room.

I had the same panic that I had before Thanksgiving. This time there was no basis. It may just be weed that makes me feel paranoid.

Today’s top stories are:

Mommy in the front yard

Taras is he gay?

Weight or wait?

My non-invincibility


Measures of accountability

Sex thoughts. Am I an erotica writer?


A Little Honesty

My life has been unhinged for just over a year. When my daughters were launched, I found myself unmoored, repeatedly hitting the rocks, unsettled and unsatisfied with my life.

The world I had created was lovely, but it no longer suited my needs. Suburbs, while fantastic for raising kids, were a death sentence for a single adult.

My home, huge by any standards, became a burden of maintenance with little to justify it. I continued to write, but I did not publish.

So this post is to explain some of my next posts. They are “out is sequence” because I wrote them while I wasn’t publishing. This one is current. I plan to put it into the queue and have it go out immediately. But, it will be followed by a smattering of current and older posts.

I have explained in previously I have no control over what I write and I’ve learned to just write it anyway and let it go so that new stuff can be written.

Sorry for any confusion. Just know, you are getting my story a little out of order.

Blogging, Life Coaching

Multiple Discussions

Multiple discussions with myself about planning. In an effort to not tell stories about myself. Long or short ones. Essentially comes down to one clear fact. You have to believe your time is better spent making up stories about what might happen and how you should deal with it, than it is spent just paying attention to the moment at hand.

There has gotta be a better way to explain this. Right now, here–while you’re reading–to determine if your time is better spent reading this or doing something else. My right hand is itchy, or rather the palm. –Money– Yes, it is a superstition, but it is usually accurate. But I digress.

Consider this. I can mentally go through the steps about what I’m going to do in the future, even if it is a couple of minutes away, and still not know as much information as I would have if I was making the decision at the time. Maybe, just maybe, paying attention to now,  is where my attention should be. It is a great day.

Blogging, Life Coaching

Feeling Healthy

Thought this was cute, like the two sides of my brain together.

Sitting here feeling perfectly healthy, I wonder if this time I had to get sick before I would take a day off? My week was booked and I was going out Friday night so I saw no break in the near future. I wouldn’t totally relax Thursday because I am no longer alone then and I like to have some time totally to myself. But here I sit. No headache or coughing, no runny nose or congestion after legitimately calling in sick, because I was sick. Now I feel fine. Better to rest though, it was a close call.

Understanding how at so many intersections I argue with myself. Who are these grumpy voices, I’ve memorized? Instructions about how I should live. It took a lot of work to develop a way of having food available when and in the form I need it. Even serving size. No leftovers nor being unsatisfied or overstuffed. This all had to be worked out. That was a good use of my brain, but when to eat and what has to come from my knowing.

But when I relax, when I am patient and paying attention to the moment I know exactly what to do. This is the opposite of those structures of thought, like eat every three hours. Why am I delegating power to the wrong part of the brain? I know it is getting in the way of my own knowing. The brain knows itself. You know yourself. Pay attention to your own knowing.


The Queue

It became essential that I finally look up the spelling of “queue”. I finally learned how to spell it without spell check kicking in,  which is more than I can say for “soliloquy”. I promised myself if I spelled that wrong I wouldn’t have corrected it. It sounds self congratulatory to point that out. But, I digress. IMG_6685

I recognize I don’t choose the topics, but that they originate in our lives in how we spend our days. Once a topic is in queue I must write about it even if I would never consider letting anyone else read it. It must be written or it jams up the queue.

Nasygrams, spiteful thoughts and politics….because I can’t write about politics without the risk of losing my job. I hope I haven’t said too much in a blog, but it is not in a political context. I could argue that.

I would prefer to use my writing time on things I can publish. I made the political party aware that I had taken a hit to run for them and they won’t answer my calls. I’m done.

My newspaper full of topics I can’t write about, my emails and email address have all been cancelled. I told the party myself that I was not going to continue to pursue trying to get my letter banning me from engaging in politics rescinded. After the party bunted the responsibility for my letter back to the public service I thought, “Seriously?”

I enjoy writing. Why not enjoy the fruits of it, even if it comes down to the number of likes? At least I know people are reading it and I hope it brings benefits to them.

My hope is by redirecting my time to other priorities and mostly eliminating politics from my life, other things, things I can publish, will populate the queue.


Train of Thought

After having a fight with myself earlier about my phone on the balcony, I started wondering, if only for a moment, how to distinguish that presence, or knowing, from the constant barrage of word generation. I remembered a teaching by Martha Beck.IMG_5868

Martha Beck suggests mastering being present including waiting for your body to give direction instead of verbally deciding what to do next. This is quite difficult to do. I usually think, I’ll go here and do this and then I’ll go there and do that and then I proceed.

What Martha recommends is to stand and not give yourself any direction. She spoke about dancing or moving in place just to unlock your body and feel it moving. Then, you simply “allow” any movement that wants to occur.

It is surprising when you do this because it turns out there is an “agenda” that you might ignore all of the time. It is an interesting perspective to just allow what is, instead of thinking about it, experience it.

Like my fight with myself was my inability to let go of what I had “decided” to do and let myself just do what I wanted. I knew what I wanted. The argument I was having with myself was just background noise.



“I should bring it.” “I can comeback and get it later.” Truth was, I had a dialogue going with myself and I was stuck in the middle, getting just a tad pissed off, trying to decide whether or not to bring my phone onto the balcony.IMG_6487

Truth was I didn’t know. Which brought into question, if I am the one observing two counter arguments who are the other bitches and who is actually doing the observing?

Desperately trying to sit down and write and coming up against a belief from the “think me thin era”. Obviously, not related to food, but the structure I had developed. I had an order to do things in. It was not to be questioned. I had a set of self-imposed rules to follow.

There is a greater chance of the phone getting damaged if I take it outside. So that was always a consideration. Not so much today on a sunny Saturday morning. Finally, I decided to write, which meant I needed my phone.

Now, I’m going to have my double espresso and a smoke if you don’t mind. Am I being bullied by my addiction to nicotine, to make it the priority? I need more research.