I’m completely untangled. I’ve decided to look for spoons. I have found I’ve been writing but not posting, waiting for the moment when I felt like doing it.

I haven’t found my rhythm. In that and in other areas of my life. I’ve been trying to get out. Got called a bitch. Am I really that vile of a person? I’m not objective. I don’t pretend to be.

I thought of both taking a break from meditating and increasing it. I had a headache today. That’s something that must be taken seriously.

Even the weather is tumultuous. The frolicky nature of going out in the cold. When you’ve been waiting to swim since you closed the pool in the fall. Falls way short of welcome in June. June and fifty degree weather.

Like the seasons won’t change. A metaphor for this reevaluation I’m doing. Will it change and become summer or will it be a long wet season, not overly hot?


Animal Self

Getting into the moment is much simpler when you are actively doing something. The most recent example of that was my first swim today.

The luxuriousness of the water brought out a hunger to swim. I completely disregarded lengths, styles and time. I was just swimming. It felt good to be free to float and kick and pull with my arms. It was so satisfying and little else is these days. But I digress.


Pool Open in April

Before the cover came off.

I just had the first swim, in my own pool, since I closed it for the winter. We had a rare hot day for April and I brought the pool up to swimming temperature.

My work day ended at the same moment that a thunderous storm front appeared in the west. I could spare no time. I would miss my swim if it started to thunder.

My pool was struck by lightening the very first summer I had installed. It was so close to the installation date, I was not charged for the repair, but I digress.

Fortunately, I long ago realized a calculation. It was not the amount I spent on the pool, most of those were fixed costs, it was the division of that by the number of swims.

If a week of swims, cost an extra $10.00 to pay for gas, that is only $2.00 a swim. So it’s open in April. I want to divide the larger costs, those of owning a pool over a larger number of weeks.



Being able to flawlessly add swimming to my total number of points towards exercise, has put me on a 24 day streak. My sweet spot for exercise is when I feel energized. I don’t want to be tired afterwards. I want to feel good and engaged.


That “glob” is to show me the top. It is a watch and it is important to me to know where the 12 would be when I switch the tracker between holders.

I think I have found it. Don’t be alarmed. If you understand epigenetics it recognizes that only some genes get turned on. I swam competitively as a child and so my DNA is programmed to be the most in balance when I’m doing a lot of exercise, way more than most would require.

I need to walk 7000 steps, a little over 4 km everyday. In addition to that, 30 minutes of swimming 5-7 days a week. I can track it all on my new Misfit Shine 2.

I realized last year that a half an hour a day cannot be replaced with swimming for an hour three times a week. It must be spread out. There are other benefits of exercise, not borne out in the totals that are prescribed, but I digress. Daily is better than total minute count.

My weight is coming off. I am still working on my hunger signals, but I have noticed that I feel more like exercising when I allow myself to eat on a less strict regime. My body cries out for exercise like it does for food.

I think I’ll go eat my beef dinner and then have a swim. Sounds luscious.


Toad in the Pool

Last summer, Penelope, a lime green frog, spent most of the summer in my pool. After catching her in the net and throwing her over the fence a few times I discovered it was, at best, a temporary solution.

Penelope in my pool.

Penelope in my pool.

Having her brush up against me while I swam was disgusting and it freaked me out a bit so I encouraged her, by causing waves with my hands, to go towards the steps. After doing that a couple of times she would head for the stairs when I was in the pool and sit there until I got out. This worked for both of us.

Penelope has not reappeared this summer. I now have a toad. We went through the same preliminary step. I saw him when I turned the filter on and proceeded to scoop him up with the net and toss him over the fence. When I returned a little while later to go for a swim he was happily enjoying the warm water.

Knowing my lack of success with Penelope, I decided to confront him head on. I stood about three feet away from him in the shallow end. He knew I was there. We looked at each other and I started to speak. He purposefully swam towards me and crawled up on my forearm. He looked me right in the eyes and held my gaze until I lowered my arm into the water and he was forced to swim.

Very strange.

I swam and he sat on the stairs for most of it. Having him sit on my arm made me realize that it was not as disgusting as it had felt when Penelope brushed up against me. He seemed to know that I wouldn’t hurt him. Peculiar experience, I must admit.



Wow, third post, all to make the same point. Is that avoidance or thoroughness? Is this intro just a delay tactic? 🙂

I guess I’m not under any obligation to admit that I just returned to my computer. I left after that first paragraph. It is as though admitting what I’m about to say will somehow diminish me. Committing it to a blog makes me vulnerable.

So, I recognized a flea. (There is a link there. I know they are hard to see, because at this point NONE of them have been clicked in any of my blogs.)IMG_6739

One of the fun things, I mean that sardonically, about being with a narcissist is they think so highly of themselves. They are the best.

Appearances are very important and I have yet to coach any male or female who has been captured by a narcissist who is not better than average looking.

Narcissists lie. They will make up stories about how great they are and what they’ve done. In turn, people treat them as though they are special, at least initially. This special treatment becomes self-fulfilling. People see it and treat them like they are special, at least initially.

Also, the narcissists often believe they are “smarter”, “better”, “more focused”, “more entitled” etc….

My mother put me in competitive swimming when I was five. I was the best and swam against children as old as eight. But let’s face it. I was five. There were no other five year olds in the pool, so it was easy to be the best.

In hind sight I have no way of knowing if I was a great swimmer or if I was lied to. Not a fun thing when you have based so much of who you are on the fact that you were an olympic level swimmer. I never did find out because I broke my back and had to drop out right before the national finals.


Pool is Open

I swam the other night and I felt powerful and strong. It is a thrill for me that I don’t get any other way and I know I’ve been missing it. I’ll have to extend my Movati membership longer next year. Despite the high chlorine there.

Anyway, the pool is warm, the evening will be cool, I have the light on in the pool. It is supposed to be lights but I don’t want to exaggerate. Only one is working. After dinner, possibly at sunset, I think I’ll go for a swim. Now when should I have the wine?IMG_6739

I went to sit down and write and Sophie started barking. We just came in from a walk and some time on the balcony and I thought she’d give me a break. She has learned how to politely enter my bedroom, from the balcony, ahead of me. That is how I want her to do it. I need to stay back to shut the door.

I was so pleased, I said to her, “You’re a Good Dog! Sadie!” Which somehow detracts from the authenticity of the compliment. Safe to say I never bonded with her. I think the turning point was early, last Friday when I was exhausted and there had been men in the house. I wanted a nap. I hauled her up onto my bed. Let’s just say there is no way she could ever get up on her own.

She stood and looked out my balcony, barking, whining and running back and forth as people passed. Then there was that big gob of saliva. I had to get a cloth and wash her face, I did not want that shit on my duvet cover. Yuck. But I digress.