Train of Thought

Somehow, my self-esteem is tied to remaining fat as if I have to prove to the world that I don’t have to conform or that I can do it my way, something like that. The rest is all tied up in what I’ve done so far, that cannot be changed, was done while fat. Is it some how diminished? I’m trying to get this thought down and Sophie is barking constantly. Now I’ve lost my train of thought. I’m glad she is gone day after tomorrow.

Ironically, I mentioned in an earlier post how much I like the SSs in this font and now I dread typing them. I don’t like to feel this much negativity. In many ways I’ve removed as much as possible from my life. But its back! I’m so glad she is going home.

My weight was surprisingly low this morning. I think it is a hormone shift. For those of you just joining us, I started this blog because in a flood of hormones I almost adopted a puppy. Those same hormones seem to be puffing me out. There is other evidence that they have subsided for now, and likely for good. I’m coming up on a year.100-0208

The end of another era. It is astonishing to me how quickly life passes. How out of reach it suddenly becomes. Like getting on the plane in Cuba knowing that you are closer to the resort and yet you will not get there. The past is just as elusive.

I think I’ll need another smoke. Smoking is over represented in my blogs because they are both things I do only at home when relaxing. So I’m always writing at the same time I’m smoking.


Fear of Death

Everything is part of the same thing. However you want to define it. We are in connection with each other, the planets and the sun. It is the vastness that makes it so difficult to conceptualize. We are here to witness a brief moment in an infinite amount of time and space. When I think of the greater meaning of all of this, I don’t think it is to avoid my own death at all costs. The literal cost is to waste my time here worrying about an inevitability that which I cannot even understand. I believe we are here to experience this life fully.IMG_0276

Part of the experience I want to include is smoking. Some of my fondest memories are having cigarettes with my daughters, wrapped in comforters so that it would be warm enough to stand outback on the deck long enough. That smooth feeling when everyone is focused on lighting their smoke. We have all come together to relax, reflect on life and just enjoy being together. The common habit of smoking creating these moments.

Our focus on health and safety has become a religion. The religion of death avoidance. We will all live forever, if we just increase safety more. This belief system has created oxymorons, or contradictions, like “preventable death” and “Do you want to die?” as if there is a choice.

We know the pendulum has swung too far because we are so busy protecting our children they are no longer allowed to freely explore their worlds alone outside like we all did. For fear of death, we are taking away some of the best experiences. Wow! I guess I’m on a rant. I should stop that.

I think I’ll go watch some more Netflix. I feel like becoming one with the couch.


Being Outside

Wow. It was pretty rough writing that last entry. I actually feel tired. The muscles of my deltoids and chest are all tense and tired. I think I’ll go and have a smoke.

It is glorious out. The sun is warming a cool IMGP0526morning and there is a light pattern of cloud cover making the sky interesting to look at. There are buds on most of the trees now and the song birds are out in full force. I’m so glad I’m a smoker. If I wasn’t, I would’ve missed that.

So I ask you. When was the last time you sat outside in the morning? You see, I know that it is politically incorrect to admit to smoking, but when I look around me, I don’t see people that are happy. There are a gazillion rules about what you shouldn’t do and it looks like we just don’t enjoy ourselves very much. I recognize that I wouldn’t make the effort to go outside if I didn’t smoke.

I love being outside. It is where I feel the most connection to the interconnectedness. The sky, the gardens, the birds. We are all made up of the same thing. Intellectually, we know that the actual matter in an atom is a very, very small percentage of the size of the atom. Yet, we perceive things as solid. Our brains were designed specifically to organize the information we got from these surroundings as solid. When we know they are not.


Thanks for Great Feedback

I’m riding the wave of my new blog. Thanks for all of the great feedback. At this point, I’m averaging 100% if you compare the number of visitors to the number of likes. The one extra visitor was me and I don’t even think I can like my own stuff. Not that I’ve ever tried. Really.

IMG_6488The other day I found out that all of my emails accounts had been hacked. They had simultaneously been accessed by an unknown user. I spent a long time changing passwords and the like. It was at least a couple of days later that I realized it was me. I had used a browser that I never use and the tracking is specific right down to the browser.

So, yes, I’m sitting here waiting for a stomach growl. Less than 800 today and a substantial amount of that was take out coffees and espresso. Not a high nutrient day for sure. But, no stomach growl as of yet.

I have a left over bowl of fettuccine with shrimp, red peppers and mushrooms done in a chicken broth, cayenne and parmesan sauce. A frequent meal of mine. Sometimes I’ll even go the extra step and put fresh parsley on it. So, when I get hungry I have food on hand.

But, for now, I’m going to have a smoke.



Well, a vast majority of all smokers end up going on anti-depressents instead. So we’ve substituted margarine. No drug is without side effects, unfortunately the best way to do long term studies on their side effects is to sell them and see what happens. We all saw the hormone supplementation stories.

Beautiful waterfall taken on a visit to my daughter in BC. Has nothing to do with smoking.

Beautiful waterfall taken on a visit to my daughter in BC. Has nothing to do with smoking.

So we glibly enter into a scientific experiment. Yes, I get it, Smoking is bad for you. So why do the French who smoke more than any other group live longer than Canadians? Huh, maybe it is because they have learned to relax, enjoy life and savour the moment more.

Guess what. They stop and have a smoke. They smoke in cafes and the first time I went they were smoking inside buildings. Everyone smokes. We forgot about the social aspect of smoking. The leading cause of death in men my age is suicide. So, the anti-smoking laws are having their effect. They are reducing the number of deaths by smoking by increasing suicides.

Well done. For those who don’t believe me look around. Where did the Bingo Halls go? What about bowling alleys? The Legions, as well, are all having trouble. The one in town moved into a building about a quarter of the size and even they rent it to others.

But I digress. When I think of all of the possible answers to the question. What is the purpose of my life? I know for sure, the answer is not to delay my death. Something that I truly have no control over. So, that said, I’m going to sit on my balcony, enjoy some fresh air. I may see some neighbours, birds, cats or dogs and I’ll enjoy the feeling of nicotine washing over my body.


ABC Already Been Chewed

I do like to chew flavourless gum. It is not something I know where to buy, so I buy gum made with real gum and regular sugar. To the disgust of many of my acquaintances, I have a dish that I put the ABC into so that I can reuse it. I know from experience that if I chew fresh gum, I more often IMG_6643than not just keep opening fresh pieces to get the sugar again. Not my idea of ideal. Anyhoo, it is satisfying my urge to chew. Chewing for its own sake. I get it.

Dress fitting tomorrow. My daughter is getting married, and as I’ve mentioned there are too many daughters to keep track of so lets just call them all daughters. You know what I mean. Otherwise, I’d have to keep reminding every one who was whom, yuck.

Anywho, I’m going to have a smoke. Yes, I smoke. I am not a closet smoker, too hard on the clothes. But I rarely smoke anywhere other than at home, so most people don’t know I smoke or likely ever bothered to think about it.

I didn’t start until I was an adult. I figured anything that controversial must be enjoyable. It is. My prediction is that smoking is going to become the next butter. We spent years suffering through margarines instead of enjoying real food, only to find out, shocker! the real food is better for you.