I have repeatedly told myself that I feel the same on the inside regardless of my appearance on the outside. I believe this to be true. Being aware of myself and who I am — the barking is still interfering with my thought process — I’m trying to explain the knowledge that I am the same person regardless of my appearance.

I have always tried to maintain an appearance of good hygiene and clean clothes and hair, that sort of thing, in public. But I have failed miserably on the “must be thin” side. I have never made it a priority successfully for a long term. None of my other needs were being met and denying myself food would have put me over the edge.

She may have finally stopped barking. I stopped writing and just waited. I could feel the anger and frustration shaping the way I explained myself. That is not the tone I want to be taking.

When I think of Russell, I felt sorry for him. Not, ‘too bad, he’ll have to lose the weight again’, sorry for him. I mean I felt like he was diminished somehow. He no longer had the authority he had had before. He was somehow, less of what I wanted him to be. The fact that they had made him the “loser” the one who had insisted on Gosling being in the movie. Russell was the one that was submissive and fat.IMG_6158

I think of Sadness as depicted in the movie, “Inside Out“. She is blue and fat. A short, frumpy look right down to her wardrobe. It is difficult not to feel sorry for her as well. Is that how others see me? Funny I’m asking that question. I recognized quite some time ago there is no way to ever know for sure what anyone thinks of you. So why spend any time thinking about it?



I can see the new flowers from where I’m sitting, right now, at my desk. There is a splash of red, pink, peach and yellow. They are all bright. The assortment doesn’t “match” in a way I like the colours to accent each other, but I bought every colour they had so I didn’t have to leave one there.

IMGP7390I need some work done out front and I pay for it about every three years. Annually would be like getting my nails done every two weeks. Who has the time? Anywhen, I am getting the yard done. I didn’t go back to the original company because I’m too embarrassed that I let it go this far. Even though the owner is a cutie.

Speaking of nails, I gotta get that done. I’m not sure when. They are about the right length now, so they’ll be perfect for a couple of weeks. They last longer than that, but they usually don’t hold up to nail polish then. That’s what we need, a nail polish that acts as “fill” to extend our gel manicures.

So, I was examining what part of me cried when I thought about losing my fat. Then, I thought about Russell and it occurred to me that how I see him as a fat man reflects on my biases towards fat people and that must include me. Hypocrisy. Not a characteristic you want to find in yourself, but there it is.

I’m trying to reread this to catch my train of thought and Sophie is barking again. My god. I’ve had enough of this. She woke me from my nap, twice, as well. I look forward to my naps.


Crowe vs Gosling

So then I was watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, formerly of the Colbert Report and previous to that, on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He was interviewing Russell Crowe and I was astounded by how fat Russell Crowe was. I stopped and became aware that it changed my opinion of him. He seemed to have less authority. I felt sorry for him. He seemed pitiful.

The sketch went on. He was promoting a movie with Gosling. The idea was to play jokes on one another to sell the idea that they can have chemistry together, perhaps in their movie. It was so painful to watch I had to fast forward through it.

But how could they possibly get along when they both want the exact same thing? There is no way they could ever give it to one another, they’re divas. So how could they possibly tolerate being with the only other person in the room they never want to talk to?

But I am interested to know, was Russell fat in the movie or is this fake comedy road show forcing him to eat so that he won’t beat the shit out of Gosling? I may go and watch the segment again. I have it on PVR, as with everything I watch I want to be able to watch it on my own time, not by a set program.

I Love Rock and Roll“, is playing. I associate this song with an old boyfriend. That is two old boyfriend reminders in as many days. I wonder if my willingness to open that window to love is reminding me of the love I have had in my life and drawing in reminders? Strange this energy flow thing. Ironically, it was during this song I realized that I didn’t want to be with this particular man.