I have repeatedly told myself that I feel the same on the inside regardless of my appearance on the outside. I believe this to be true. Being aware of myself and who I am — the barking is still interfering with my thought process — I’m trying to explain the knowledge that I am the same person regardless of my appearance.
I have always tried to maintain an appearance of good hygiene and clean clothes and hair, that sort of thing, in public. But I have failed miserably on the “must be thin” side. I have never made it a priority successfully for a long term. None of my other needs were being met and denying myself food would have put me over the edge.
She may have finally stopped barking. I stopped writing and just waited. I could feel the anger and frustration shaping the way I explained myself. That is not the tone I want to be taking.
When I think of Russell, I felt sorry for him. Not, ‘too bad, he’ll have to lose the weight again’, sorry for him. I mean I felt like he was diminished somehow. He no longer had the authority he had had before. He was somehow, less of what I wanted him to be. The fact that they had made him the “loser” the one who had insisted on Gosling being in the movie. Russell was the one that was submissive and fat.
I think of Sadness as depicted in the movie, “Inside Out“. She is blue and fat. A short, frumpy look right down to her wardrobe. It is difficult not to feel sorry for her as well. Is that how others see me? Funny I’m asking that question. I recognized quite some time ago there is no way to ever know for sure what anyone thinks of you. So why spend any time thinking about it?