A Little Honesty

My life has been unhinged for just over a year. When my daughters were launched, I found myself unmoored, repeatedly hitting the rocks, unsettled and unsatisfied with my life.

The world I had created was lovely, but it no longer suited my needs. Suburbs, while fantastic for raising kids, were a death sentence for a single adult.

My home, huge by any standards, became a burden of maintenance with little to justify it. I continued to write, but I did not publish.

So this post is to explain some of my next posts. They are “out is sequence” because I wrote them while I wasn’t publishing. This one is current. I plan to put it into the queue and have it go out immediately. But, it will be followed by a smattering of current and older posts.

I have explained in previously I have no control over what I write and I’ve learned to just write it anyway and let it go so that new stuff can be written.

Sorry for any confusion. Just know, you are getting my story a little out of order.


The Queue

It became essential that I finally look up the spelling of “queue”. I finally learned how to spell it without spell check kicking in,  which is more than I can say for “soliloquy”. I promised myself if I spelled that wrong I wouldn’t have corrected it. It sounds self congratulatory to point that out. But, I digress. IMG_6685

I recognize I don’t choose the topics, but that they originate in our lives in how we spend our days. Once a topic is in queue I must write about it even if I would never consider letting anyone else read it. It must be written or it jams up the queue.

Nasygrams, spiteful thoughts and politics….because I can’t write about politics without the risk of losing my job. I hope I haven’t said too much in a blog, but it is not in a political context. I could argue that.

I would prefer to use my writing time on things I can publish. I made the political party aware that I had taken a hit to run for them and they won’t answer my calls. I’m done.

My newspaper full of topics I can’t write about, my emails and email address have all been cancelled. I told the party myself that I was not going to continue to pursue trying to get my letter banning me from engaging in politics rescinded. After the party bunted the responsibility for my letter back to the public service I thought, “Seriously?”

I enjoy writing. Why not enjoy the fruits of it, even if it comes down to the number of likes? At least I know people are reading it and I hope it brings benefits to them.

My hope is by redirecting my time to other priorities and mostly eliminating politics from my life, other things, things I can publish, will populate the queue.


Respecting the Queue

A lesson that I have battled with the entire time I’ve been writing this blog is topics. When I didn’t want to write about bugs, I got a wasps nest. No more animals and suddenly chipmunks are blocking traffic, or at least my car. IMG_6869

Then illness, very personal for me and hard to share. Mommy issues. Finally, or at least I hope on this trajectory anyway, shame. Acknowledgement that I felt like I had overestimated myself.

Realizing that it all comes back to my understanding of narcissism which I believe I have a responsibility to share. All of that said to explain that I hope that me fighting what it is I need to write about is over. I hope I’ve passed that “test”. I will write what I’m experiencing. That is the only way to be authentic.

Spacing my posts at regular intervals, this one happens to be scheduled for July 4, just before lunch or 11 11:11, just saying.




Sorry, I did it again. Spectacular has been my word for a while now. Starting this blog, connecting with me, not politically correct me, and writing about what ever is in the queue.IMG_6981

I believe my confession of inadequacy was just another realization that I must respect the queue.

We don’t get to decide which issues present themselves or which topics occur. So you need to deal with what’s in front of you or it will block your way forward.

Connecting with me has cracked something open. I’m interested in promoting my business with a much better understanding of who I am.

As I explore this my energy keeps expanding and I get more feedback and books sales. I am moving more into marketing myself. I’m thinking something along the lines of, “when your tired of the drama”, or something like that.

Well, my stomach is growling, I’m gonna go check on my beef dinner that’s in the oven.



Yes, this is the fourth post on the same topic. It is taking a lot more work to get this into a blog than I imagined it would. I know that not writing about this has jammed up the works. I find I cannot get to the next thing when something is in queue and I won’t write it.IMG_6926

In my mind’s eye, I envisioned myself as having an ability to write cutting edge stuff, provocative, interesting, controversial and the only reason I was not able to write that way was because I was forcing myself to write blogs for my coaching and about narcissism.

So I decided to take the gloves off and write what I actually was thinking about and what was going on in my real life, right now.

Despite being bombarded by bugs, birds and beasts very little is going on. Turns out, in just over a hundred short blogs I’ve said most of what I wanted to say. None of it was earth shattering or cutting edge.

Was my self-image a flea? (There is a link there. I know they are hard to see, because at this point NONE of them have been clicked in any of my blogs.)

Do I have an inflated self-image, based on nothing more than an attitude that I was brought up with and married into? Am I actually just an average writer with banal thoughts who just has a desire to write?

This is hard to swallow. How much of my life is just that? An unrealistic view of my talents and abilities brought on by living in an environment when anything less was belittled. That is why I am sad.