Blogging

Planning Obsession

As I become more and more aware of my thoughts, I’ve observed how much time I spend planning. Even before I went on the retreat, I needed to know I could go that long without a cigarette. A planned a gradual decline, even though I average less than two a day.

It wasn’t a problem at all, but it does illustrate my level of planning. Even though I’ve given over the bigger appointments and dinners to my calendar, I still think endlessly about what to do next. I was just contemplating whether I should watch a movie or write or whatever.

So, I’m sitting on my balcony and instead of enjoying a warm spring day, I’m thinking about what comes next. For some reason I feel as though making a decision, when I decide to do it, would not be sufficient.

Anywho, I need to come into the moment. I think I’ll sit and pay attention to my body, then open my eyes and enjoy just this perfect moment.

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Blogging, Spirituality

Perfect moment

Rainy out, which means it’s warmer than the snow we’ve been having. I love the change of the weather and how the lighting lengthens as we approach the heat.

Nice song on google play.

Well, I feel pretty safe, but I admit that is by choice.

One of the ways to feel safer is to eliminate the daily gore you receive everyday in the media. By switching to google play, for instance, instead of a radio station you eliminate the news completely. Or choose it in podcast form. Tons of options.

So without updates on busloads of children getting into a car accident, half way across the world, I feel better all around. My condolences, really, but shit happens and the best we can do is not dwell in it constantly. We are taking an emotional hit every time, whether we are involved or not.

So I’ve decided they are never going to figure out Trump is baiting the news coverage. But I digress,  I’d prefer to not be reminded of the state of the world. There is nothing I can do about it. I’ve decided to focus on what I can do something about. That is spiritual awakening.

I was not raised in a religion so when I experienced magic I just assumed it was as it should be and made a note of the special experiences.

I’ve collected quite a lot. I want to discover the source of this magic, while I’m alive. Some would call it awakening, but I would settle for something less grandiose.

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Blogging

Wedding Dress

Bridal boutique today. Grandma, ma, sister and bridesmaids. Great time. At the moment she emerged in the dress, she later bought, I broke into tears. Just mild, instantaneous watering of the eyes, at first. My daughter could tell from where she was standing and asked, “Are you crying?” IMG_6592My denial shattered when she came over and threw her arms around me. We both sobbed for a moment and stayed together a while, sharing the perfection that was that moment.

There was no question that the dress was perfect. It is now upstairs. Tradition has it that it is bad luck for the groom to see the dress ahead of time, so I’m hiding it here.

Also, it was an opportunity to get out on the open highway with my lid down. Still too cool for windows down as well, but no less glorious, enhanced simply by rarity as of late. No better sauce than hunger.

Which brings me to food. I had to force myself to write that. As the words formed in my mind a great wall of resistance came up. You can’t write that. You never even speak about it. But it is true. I have been trying to find that perfect balance between eating and hunger. Maximize the experience while minimizing the likelihood that you will eat too much because you are over hungry. More elusive than you would imagine.

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