Blogging

New Gurgle

It may not look fancy, but it is left overs from a turkey dinner. Easy, nutritious, delicious and ready with little effort.

When am I actually hungry? Is a question I’ve been grappling with for weeks. I want to lose weight, so I may believe I have to tip the scales a little too far. I might need to be a little hungry.

Or, quite possibly, that is another holdover from the “think yourself thin” days, but I digress.

Physical symptoms of “needing” were not all hunger based so this marker of hunger was quickly shelved, at least until I could distinguish my other emotions.

So I started with a physical growl. Quantitative. This was softened to a gurgle because I recognized I would be in a full-on panic by the time I ate.

Then I got sick, dieter’s disease, gall stones, and I had to rethink that level. I stuck with it for a while and realized there is a blend. Sometimes I want to eat before the gurgle and sometimes not. Still too much.

So I’ve returned to trying to determine if the need in my body is hunger and I’m better able to recognize hunger signals, because I’ve been forcing myself to sit in hunger and await the gurgle.

I learned the difference between hunger and other needs and I also realized I’m more energized to exercise when I eat under less stringent standards. I now know when it is other discomfort. Just past thirty pounds since I got back from Spain.

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Opening the Door to Emotions

Found tapped inside a journal in a thrift shop. Original source unknown.

Found tapped inside a journal in a thrift shop. Original source unknown.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, a mate. I think wanting a dog may have been a substitute for wanting to be able to hold someone against me. Not as a mate, per se, but a physical companion. Someone to cuddle with while watching television and possibly sleep with you, if they weren’t too disruptive.

My experience brought a memory of what it feels like to let your heart touch another. I’ve been denying myself that. That door has been closed. And like with any other emotion you do not allow yourself to feel, you block others as well. How much other love am I blocking trying to stop myself from feeling that intimate type? I hope to find out – knock on wood.

The first step for me was to take out a one month membership on a dating site and just see what happened. It was a frightening disaster. I’m fine, but I felt vulnerable and seemed to pull out only crazy guys. So I decided I needed help. I began telling almost everyone that I was thinking about this. It occurred to me that what I also needed to add was that I was open to meeting new people, so if they knew of anyone, who wasn’t a prick, I would be interested in hearing about them.

It has taken a lot to open up to people and finally admit that I’m trying to get back out there. For years I was adamant that being single was the best thing for me. In addition, all of my girls were here and that would make me even more leery about getting involved with anyone, good or bad.

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To Eat or To Bed

I can emphasize with her fully. I know how it feels to be overtired and knowing that if you are going to stay up you are going to have to stimulate yourself. Eating works. She didn’t know to put herself to bed and instead demanded stimulation from me which resulted in me confining her to her crate. Wow that seemed like a long sentence. I had to come up for air.IMG_5729

I was right. I haven’t heard a peep out of her. I knew she must sleep all day confined and sleeping is what she most likely did in that situation. I guess she wasn’t ready to relax unless she was forced to.

So today had all the elements of an epic journey. The hero, defeat, and I don’t know how it ends. Unlike images we have of the past where people walked long distances just to complete their work for the day. Now, we just jump in a car. But is it any less “real” than what they were facing? Are we any more likely to die or have something unexpected happen? Isn’t that truly the elements that make up our lives, the shared understanding of love, chance and loss.

So waiting until my favourite stereo and television store, Powerline, is open. Lilly is here. She realized that Sophie was not going to bother her and so she decided to rule the office. She cam t [retemd tjat

Realizing that I was not typing properly, I stopped and petted Lilly for a while. Now my entire face has cat hair on it. It is all up and down my front. Give me a second to deal with that, I’ll be back in a second. I promise.

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