Blogging

Dispelling Toxin

When I get stuck in an old memory, thinking of how things were while married I am humbled to admit I learned some damn good ways of defusing toxic emotions. On the other hand, an enormous amount of personal energy was dedicated to that task. Sometimes to the elimination of all other forms of communication. People were literally frightened to speak. IMG_7185

I just heard a woman, one of my neighbours, walk through her door and yell.”Hey it’s the weekend!” As she entered. I love having neighbours.

So, a stark contrast to what I was describing above. Even just stating it was the weekend could bring you under fire much less yelling! and for no reason!

So, I’m trying to figure out how to teach others that it is abnormal to constantly be on guard. Mistakes should be handled as something to solve together not a mess you made and better clean up.

People wanting to arrive at home and celebrate by yelling, “It’s the weekend!” should be normal and encouraged.

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Boundaries

I like to keep up with what’s been published on Narcissism and I thought it was worthwhile to read about codependency. Many people I talk to feel that they are at fault when they are with a narcissist. They are “codependent” and so it is their own fault. IMG_7191

So in a narcissism book I’ve been reading the author is using self-deprecating humour to make it look like he is a narcissist when the examples make a mockery of the way a true pathological narcissist would act. He suggests that we “give narcissists a break”. He uses one example where he speaks first without asking the other person about their day and then he asks. Seriously? this infuriates me. This is NOT what a narcissist does, but I digress.

In exact contrast to the give the “narcissist a break” of the first book, the second one, on codependency, says, if you put up with one you are the one who has the problem. So, in other words, if you give the “narcissist a break” you are codependent.

Your success in the above two books combined would be between being reasonable in how you react when you think you’ve been treated poorly and recognizing that if you are there in the first place there is a problem with you. The line between being fair and at fault is very thin. Overreact and you’re intolerant, stay and you are the one who has the problem. Complicated.

When are you hurting yourself if you compromise? The ultimate question when it comes to boundaries.

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Unstructured Thought

I haven’t been posting because my writing , as of late, goes more and more to the book.

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That green at the top is what is left of the first candle.

Talk about being in the queue. I have 95% of a book in my mind and I need to type all of it into book form. So that’s what I’ve been doing.

I have a link, from my other website, that says, let me know when your book is done. Every time I get one of those emails I know someone needs me to get this into a format someone else can access.

Woke to two this morning and realized the emails have been steady since I put up the request form.

But, I still need unstructured time. I can come here and do very little other than muse about every little thing in my surroundings. It feels good.

I know I’m in the flow because I can feel it and it actually shows up in increased web traffic and book sales.

Also, it is a new post leading the pack. It was the same post, Discourage, that has tens of thousands of hits and will go viral randomly on Facebook for a while.

I get the same response on Reddit, but it’s not sustained in the same way , so it could be a bump in the numbers of any single post.

This time it is a three part series with the first doing the best and it tapers off with the third part getting the least, as expected. It is, “Why were you with a narcissist?” Feels good.

I have a turkey dinner ready, so I’m going to eat.

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Provocative

Yes, this is the fourth post on the same topic. It is taking a lot more work to get this into a blog than I imagined it would. I know that not writing about this has jammed up the works. I find I cannot get to the next thing when something is in queue and I won’t write it.IMG_6926

In my mind’s eye, I envisioned myself as having an ability to write cutting edge stuff, provocative, interesting, controversial and the only reason I was not able to write that way was because I was forcing myself to write blogs for my coaching and about narcissism.

So I decided to take the gloves off and write what I actually was thinking about and what was going on in my real life, right now.

Despite being bombarded by bugs, birds and beasts very little is going on. Turns out, in just over a hundred short blogs I’ve said most of what I wanted to say. None of it was earth shattering or cutting edge.

Was my self-image a flea? (There is a link there. I know they are hard to see, because at this point NONE of them have been clicked in any of my blogs.)

Do I have an inflated self-image, based on nothing more than an attitude that I was brought up with and married into? Am I actually just an average writer with banal thoughts who just has a desire to write?

This is hard to swallow. How much of my life is just that? An unrealistic view of my talents and abilities brought on by living in an environment when anything less was belittled. That is why I am sad.

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Swimming

Wow, third post, all to make the same point. Is that avoidance or thoroughness? Is this intro just a delay tactic? 🙂

I guess I’m not under any obligation to admit that I just returned to my computer. I left after that first paragraph. It is as though admitting what I’m about to say will somehow diminish me. Committing it to a blog makes me vulnerable.

So, I recognized a flea. (There is a link there. I know they are hard to see, because at this point NONE of them have been clicked in any of my blogs.)IMG_6739

One of the fun things, I mean that sardonically, about being with a narcissist is they think so highly of themselves. They are the best.

Appearances are very important and I have yet to coach any male or female who has been captured by a narcissist who is not better than average looking.

Narcissists lie. They will make up stories about how great they are and what they’ve done. In turn, people treat them as though they are special, at least initially. This special treatment becomes self-fulfilling. People see it and treat them like they are special, at least initially.

Also, the narcissists often believe they are “smarter”, “better”, “more focused”, “more entitled” etc….

My mother put me in competitive swimming when I was five. I was the best and swam against children as old as eight. But let’s face it. I was five. There were no other five year olds in the pool, so it was easy to be the best.

In hind sight I have no way of knowing if I was a great swimmer or if I was lied to. Not a fun thing when you have based so much of who you are on the fact that you were an olympic level swimmer. I never did find out because I broke my back and had to drop out right before the national finals.

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Fleas

Writing this blog has been forcing me to confront truths about myself. Sadness comes with seeing who you are more clearly, especially when you don’t like what you see.

As a life coach with a sub-specialty in narcissism. I often coach people during their recovery from a relationship with a narcissist. “Fleas” is a term that comes up in this process.

Fleas are things you catch from a narcissist. I like the term because not unlike catching fleas from your pet, it is possible to get rid of fleas, once you know you have them.

Part of my current sadness is recognition of another flea I have from my narcissist influences. Let me back up a bit.

This is Harriet. She lives in my office at work. I have asked others to water her.

This is Harriet. She lives in my office at work. I have asked others to water her.

An easy example to explain is: asking for help. For those of you who are lucky enough to have never experienced a narcissist up close and personal in your life, let me explain why asking for help becomes an issue.

A true narcissist is not someone who is arrogant. It is someone who is unable to feel the emotions of another person. Narcissists have no empathy. In real life this means they don’t care if they hurt you, because they don’t care how you feel.

When you ask for help, they make it all about them. If they are not trying to gain advantage, make up for a wrong or manipulate you in some other way, they will not help you. It does not stop there.

The reason they do not help you is because, “you should be able to do it yourself”, “you did not ask properly/on-time/nicely/far enough in advance……”, “you are too lazy to do it yourself”, “you are useless”, “you are too demanding”. I think that is enough examples.

Long story short. A “flea” people develop is to stop asking for help. This is reasonable with a narcissist, because asking leads to an attack. This is not as helpful when you are dealing with others because they don’t understand why you didn’t just ask for help.

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Jumbles of Emotions

At malls, my mother would accost people with stories of her latest ailments and as an on-looker it was the clear the person was politely making all of the right sounds and looking for a way to get away from her. Now it was me who was sick. Who am I trying to impress? Am I looking for care? It feels awful.IMG_0297

It also brings me face to face with another thing. A bit that I have just started wording directly, because if you ever say it out loud everyone will correct you, but it doesn’t make it less true. I have never been unconditionally loved. This woman, my mother, was so absorbed in herself, her appearance and her needs, she just gobbled everyone up around her.

I could only get her attention by impressing her or doing something for her. She would pick me up at lunch during grade school and have me deliver phone books. It was her part time job. I would run up to the door and she would drive house to house. It was simply always, all about her.

Ditto for X, except with him, I was already trained when he arrived on the scene. Which brings me to now. I have approached it with my daughters, but never the intensity of a one on one relationship. I worry that I might lose myself again. I can justify anything. But I think that I’ll allow it.

Such is the need to be loved, which I am currently suppressing. Think of how much energy that is requiring. How many other emotions am I closing myself to? You can’t be selective with this type of thing. You stop feeling, you stop feeling everything.

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