Emotional Abuse

I’ll say it right up front. My specialty is narcissists, but I have come to see that not all abuse is without empathy. The tools are the same and the reason they work is the same.

If you have a relationship you are having trouble getting over, there may have been some level of manipulation. If you spend countless hours trying to remember details of your day so you can be certain when you defend yourself, you are being gaslighted.

If you would rather be at work then home, you need to examine that.

Emotional abuse works because a person who is supposed to love you and take care of you instead uses their connection with you to undermine your self confidence and make you feel inadequate.

If you often feel bad after being with someone who ‘loves’ you, consider the possibility they are emotionally abusing you.

Blogging, Life Coaching

Noah Cyrus – Make Me (Cry) ft. Labrinth

Make Me Cry  by Noah Cyrus ft. Labrinth, is a song written about how it feels to be in a pathological relationship.

“I’ve never needed you like I do right now.

I’ve never hated you like I do right now”

This is the epitome of being with someone because you are addicted to drama. The passion, the conflict, the make-up sex all become a part of the dynamic. It is intense and overwhelming and can destroy your life.

Once you have removed yourself, you realize the pre-occupation with the pathology in the relationship has had an impact on your work, your hobbies, your relationships and quite likely your health.

I love the way the song ends. She sings, “all you ever do is make me…” Automatically, my brain corrected it to finish with the word, “cry”. But the truth is, these relationships change who you are. So, it is more accurate for her to say, “all you ever do is make me…”.

Blogging, Life Coaching


Macmillan Provincial Park, Canada

Before we begin, I’d like to speak directly about drama itself. It can be exhilarating to be swept up in romance. The passion of make-up sex, the heightened emotions. Many movies are created for the sole purpose of taking the audience on a passionate adventure. We live to feel emotion. But it can get tiring.

When you realize a pre-occupation with the swings of your relationship is consuming your days, it may occur to you your entire life is unhappy. So, consider the possibility that you crave the drama and that is what keeps you there, then ask yourself is it worth it?

What I mean is this. Do you want most of your life to be in the background because you are always dealing with the emotions surrounding a fight, or the silent treatment, or odd behaviour? Narcissists cause this drama and the initial appeal is lost because it has the power to overrun your life eventually.

The easiest way to eliminate a narcissist is no contact, even through other people. Unfortunately, many of us have had to co-parent, or wanted to maintain a relationship with other members of the family. For people in these situations, it is harder.

Strict no contact is the gold standard. This includes letting all of your mutual relationships know you don’t care if they continue their relationship with the person you no longer want to hear from. Also, you would appreciate not being brought up to date while you are together. Any friend who can’t respect that may be drawn to the same pathology and might better be reconsidered.


Blogging, Life Coaching

Love of My Life

I find myself at a precipice looking over the edge. Like the haunting scene in Star Trek, in several episodes. But I digress.

Recently, as in practice what you preach, I found a little pocket of grief and let myself express it. I had never forgiven myself for falling in love with my X.

The exercise is simple to explain yet difficult to implement. When you discover a twinge of emotion or a reaction to an event, like seeing something or someone. Or if you notice a response to something someone says or does, make note. Chances are you’ve likely learned to suppress it, ignore it. This is a defence mechanism to keep yourself from getting hurt. Ignore that there is a source of pain. Shove it down.

Often it is socially inappropriate, for instance, to express a true emotion as it is felt. Starting to wale remorsefully in the food court, for instance is likely not a great idea. The problem with this is in some homes all expression of emotion is strongly discouraged, so there is no safe place.

Make note of your reactions. Write them down if necessary. Or perhaps they are still fresh and ever present, a pain you are always aware of. It takes more energy to suppress the emotion than it does to express it.

Don’t get me wrong. Expressing it is difficult and usually painful, sometimes it can literally overwhelm you. So you prepare for that. When you know you have some time alone, wrap yourself in a blanket, shawl, duvet, pretty well what ever you have.

Don’t leave this out. It is a way of calming yourself down on many levels. Then, prepare for afterwards. What will you do? A bath, shower, walk, movie, dancing….You know better than I do. My first choice is a walk outside. Familiar, stimulating, life in all its forms. There is some sort of healing power from being out in nature.

I may still need to take a walk. I haven’t gotten my 7000 steps in yet today. Not even close. So where was I, oh yes, I found a pocket of pain.

True to myself, I planned for afterwards. My family would be home for a few days. Perfect, they are everything. So I carved out an evening to get in touch with what still hurt and that was it. I wrapped myself in a shawl and let the pain rip out of me.

I loved him completely. All of the people I love look like him. They have brought me a huge amount of perfect moments. Like I spoke about the wedding. I’ve chosen to remember the goods bits. Like he’d been hit by a truck. I mean as if he were dead, not estranged.

But a gift he gave me has resonated through my life and it has been wonderful. Unfortunately my love for him was not reciprocal. To him I was just a cog in his wheel. Easily replaceable.

Now here I am still blaming myself for being so stupid, instead of admitting for better or worse, he was the love of my life. Question is, are we restricted to one per lifetime?


Dispelling Toxin

When I get stuck in an old memory, thinking of how things were while married I am humbled to admit I learned some damn good ways of defusing toxic emotions. On the other hand, an enormous amount of personal energy was dedicated to that task. Sometimes to the elimination of all other forms of communication. People were literally frightened to speak. IMG_7185

I just heard a woman, one of my neighbours, walk through her door and yell.”Hey it’s the weekend!” As she entered. I love having neighbours.

So, a stark contrast to what I was describing above. Even just stating it was the weekend could bring you under fire much less yelling! and for no reason!

So, I’m trying to figure out how to teach others that it is abnormal to constantly be on guard. Mistakes should be handled as something to solve together not a mess you made and better clean up.

People wanting to arrive at home and celebrate by yelling, “It’s the weekend!” should be normal and encouraged.



I like to keep up with what’s been published on Narcissism and I thought it was worthwhile to read about codependency. Many people I talk to feel that they are at fault when they are with a narcissist. They are “codependent” and so it is their own fault. IMG_7191

So in a narcissism book I’ve been reading the author is using self-deprecating humour to make it look like he is a narcissist when the examples make a mockery of the way a true pathological narcissist would act. He suggests that we “give narcissists a break”. He uses one example where he speaks first without asking the other person about their day and then he asks. Seriously? this infuriates me. This is NOT what a narcissist does, but I digress.

In exact contrast to the give the “narcissist a break” of the first book, the second one, on codependency, says, if you put up with one you are the one who has the problem. So, in other words, if you give the “narcissist a break” you are codependent.

Your success in the above two books combined would be between being reasonable in how you react when you think you’ve been treated poorly and recognizing that if you are there in the first place there is a problem with you. The line between being fair and at fault is very thin. Overreact and you’re intolerant, stay and you are the one who has the problem. Complicated.

When are you hurting yourself if you compromise? The ultimate question when it comes to boundaries.


Unstructured Thought

I haven’t been posting because my writing , as of late, goes more and more to the book.


That green at the top is what is left of the first candle.

Talk about being in the queue. I have 95% of a book in my mind and I need to type all of it into book form. So that’s what I’ve been doing.

I have a link, from my other website, that says, let me know when your book is done. Every time I get one of those emails I know someone needs me to get this into a format someone else can access.

Woke to two this morning and realized the emails have been steady since I put up the request form.

But, I still need unstructured time. I can come here and do very little other than muse about every little thing in my surroundings. It feels good.

I know I’m in the flow because I can feel it and it actually shows up in increased web traffic and book sales.

Also, it is a new post leading the pack. It was the same post, Discourage, that has tens of thousands of hits and will go viral randomly on Facebook for a while.

I get the same response on Reddit, but it’s not sustained in the same way , so it could be a bump in the numbers of any single post.

This time it is a three part series with the first doing the best and it tapers off with the third part getting the least, as expected. It is, “Why were you with a narcissist?” Feels good.

I have a turkey dinner ready, so I’m going to eat.