Blogging

Emotional Abuse

I’ll say it right up front. My specialty is narcissists, but I have come to see that not all abuse is without empathy. The tools are the same and the reason they work is the same.

If you have a relationship you are having trouble getting over, there may have been some level of manipulation. If you spend countless hours trying to remember details of your day so you can be certain when you defend yourself, you are being gaslighted.

If you would rather be at work then home, you need to examine that.

Emotional abuse works because a person who is supposed to love you and take care of you instead uses their connection with you to undermine your self confidence and make you feel inadequate.

If you often feel bad after being with someone who ‘loves’ you, consider the possibility they are emotionally abusing you.

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Blogging, Life Coaching

One of My Own Fleas

When I teach people about narcissism the concept of fleas comes up. It is slang for a trait you brought with you. It was a maladaptive response to the emotional abuse you were receiving. In my case, it took years to unearth them all.

I thought I was fine till I realized I’ve been putting off getting my work done. It occurred to me that I was having trouble making videos because I was still having difficulty accepting my own appearance. A hold over from a man that blamed me for not being enough. It’s subtle, but real. Nothing direct, just a pattern. The only women he showed respect for were the beautiful ones. Respect that was subtly always out of my reach.

I did not measure up and I’m judging myself that way. Wow! What was that about? So I need some flea spray. Let’s try something new with the hair, or not. My appearance does not determine how valuable I am as a person.

Rock what you got.

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Blogging

Dispelling Toxin

When I get stuck in an old memory, thinking of how things were while married I am humbled to admit I learned some damn good ways of defusing toxic emotions. On the other hand, an enormous amount of personal energy was dedicated to that task. Sometimes to the elimination of all other forms of communication. People were literally frightened to speak. IMG_7185

I just heard a woman, one of my neighbours, walk through her door and yell.”Hey it’s the weekend!” As she entered. I love having neighbours.

So, a stark contrast to what I was describing above. Even just stating it was the weekend could bring you under fire much less yelling! and for no reason!

So, I’m trying to figure out how to teach others that it is abnormal to constantly be on guard. Mistakes should be handled as something to solve together not a mess you made and better clean up.

People wanting to arrive at home and celebrate by yelling, “It’s the weekend!” should be normal and encouraged.

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Blogging

Boundaries

I like to keep up with what’s been published on Narcissism and I thought it was worthwhile to read about codependency. Many people I talk to feel that they are at fault when they are with a narcissist. They are “codependent” and so it is their own fault. IMG_7191

So in a narcissism book I’ve been reading the author is using self-deprecating humour to make it look like he is a narcissist when the examples make a mockery of the way a true pathological narcissist would act. He suggests that we “give narcissists a break”. He uses one example where he speaks first without asking the other person about their day and then he asks. Seriously? this infuriates me. This is NOT what a narcissist does, but I digress.

In exact contrast to the give the “narcissist a break” of the first book, the second one, on codependency, says, if you put up with one you are the one who has the problem. So, in other words, if you give the “narcissist a break” you are codependent.

Your success in the above two books combined would be between being reasonable in how you react when you think you’ve been treated poorly and recognizing that if you are there in the first place there is a problem with you. The line between being fair and at fault is very thin. Overreact and you’re intolerant, stay and you are the one who has the problem. Complicated.

When are you hurting yourself if you compromise? The ultimate question when it comes to boundaries.

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Blogging

Unstructured Thought

I haven’t been posting because my writing , as of late, goes more and more to the book.

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That green at the top is what is left of the first candle.

Talk about being in the queue. I have 95% of a book in my mind and I need to type all of it into book form. So that’s what I’ve been doing.

I have a link, from my other website, that says, let me know when your book is done. Every time I get one of those emails I know someone needs me to get this into a format someone else can access.

Woke to two this morning and realized the emails have been steady since I put up the request form.

But, I still need unstructured time. I can come here and do very little other than muse about every little thing in my surroundings. It feels good.

I know I’m in the flow because I can feel it and it actually shows up in increased web traffic and book sales.

Also, it is a new post leading the pack. It was the same post, Discourage, that has tens of thousands of hits and will go viral randomly on Facebook for a while.

I get the same response on Reddit, but it’s not sustained in the same way , so it could be a bump in the numbers of any single post.

This time it is a three part series with the first doing the best and it tapers off with the third part getting the least, as expected. It is, “Why were you with a narcissist?” Feels good.

I have a turkey dinner ready, so I’m going to eat.

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Blogging

Respecting the Queue

A lesson that I have battled with the entire time I’ve been writing this blog is topics. When I didn’t want to write about bugs, I got a wasps nest. No more animals and suddenly chipmunks are blocking traffic, or at least my car. IMG_6869

Then illness, very personal for me and hard to share. Mommy issues. Finally, or at least I hope on this trajectory anyway, shame. Acknowledgement that I felt like I had overestimated myself.

Realizing that it all comes back to my understanding of narcissism which I believe I have a responsibility to share. All of that said to explain that I hope that me fighting what it is I need to write about is over. I hope I’ve passed that “test”. I will write what I’m experiencing. That is the only way to be authentic.

Spacing my posts at regular intervals, this one happens to be scheduled for July 4, just before lunch or 11 11:11, just saying.

 

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Blogging

Provocative

Yes, this is the fourth post on the same topic. It is taking a lot more work to get this into a blog than I imagined it would. I know that not writing about this has jammed up the works. I find I cannot get to the next thing when something is in queue and I won’t write it.IMG_6926

In my mind’s eye, I envisioned myself as having an ability to write cutting edge stuff, provocative, interesting, controversial and the only reason I was not able to write that way was because I was forcing myself to write blogs for my coaching and about narcissism.

So I decided to take the gloves off and write what I actually was thinking about and what was going on in my real life, right now.

Despite being bombarded by bugs, birds and beasts very little is going on. Turns out, in just over a hundred short blogs I’ve said most of what I wanted to say. None of it was earth shattering or cutting edge.

Was my self-image a flea? (There is a link there. I know they are hard to see, because at this point NONE of them have been clicked in any of my blogs.)

Do I have an inflated self-image, based on nothing more than an attitude that I was brought up with and married into? Am I actually just an average writer with banal thoughts who just has a desire to write?

This is hard to swallow. How much of my life is just that? An unrealistic view of my talents and abilities brought on by living in an environment when anything less was belittled. That is why I am sad.

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