Blogging, Life Coaching

Love of My Life

I find myself at a precipice looking over the edge. Like the haunting scene in Star Trek, in several episodes. But I digress.

Recently, as in practice what you preach, I found a little pocket of grief and let myself express it. I had never forgiven myself for falling in love with my X.

The exercise is simple to explain yet difficult to implement. When you discover a twinge of emotion or a reaction to an event, like seeing something or someone. Or if you notice a response to something someone says or does, make note. Chances are you’ve likely learned to suppress it, ignore it. This is a defence mechanism to keep yourself from getting hurt. Ignore that there is a source of pain. Shove it down.

Often it is socially inappropriate, for instance, to express a true emotion as it is felt. Starting to wale remorsefully in the food court, for instance is likely not a great idea. The problem with this is in some homes all expression of emotion is strongly discouraged, so there is no safe place.

Make note of your reactions. Write them down if necessary. Or perhaps they are still fresh and ever present, a pain you are always aware of. It takes more energy to suppress the emotion than it does to express it.

Don’t get me wrong. Expressing it is difficult and usually painful, sometimes it can literally overwhelm you. So you prepare for that. When you know you have some time alone, wrap yourself in a blanket, shawl, duvet, pretty well what ever you have.

Don’t leave this out. It is a way of calming yourself down on many levels. Then, prepare for afterwards. What will you do? A bath, shower, walk, movie, dancing….You know better than I do. My first choice is a walk outside. Familiar, stimulating, life in all its forms. There is some sort of healing power from being out in nature.

I may still need to take a walk. I haven’t gotten my 7000 steps in yet today. Not even close. So where was I, oh yes, I found a pocket of pain.

True to myself, I planned for afterwards. My family would be home for a few days. Perfect, they are everything. So I carved out an evening to get in touch with what still hurt and that was it. I wrapped myself in a shawl and let the pain rip out of me.

I loved him completely. All of the people I love look like him. They have brought me a huge amount of perfect moments. Like I spoke about the wedding. I’ve chosen to remember the goods bits. Like he’d been hit by a truck. I mean as if he were dead, not estranged.

But a gift he gave me has resonated through my life and it has been wonderful. Unfortunately my love for him was not reciprocal. To him I was just a cog in his wheel. Easily replaceable.

Now here I am still blaming myself for being so stupid, instead of admitting for better or worse, he was the love of my life. Question is, are we restricted to one per lifetime?

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UV

I did discover that I couldn’t put nail polish on in direct sunlight, but let’s flip that over. On a hot sunny day, I could apply it inside and then expose it to the sun.

In one minute it would be hard as nails and I wouldn’t have to worry about smudging it. So now for the hard part. Who’s kidding whom? I’ve gotta go with silver. It is light and bright for summer, looks great next to the railing of my deck and suits my mood.

I fell in love with this when  Christine Baranski, as Diane Lockhart, from the Good Wife started wearing it. She has such great style. A woman’s woman for sure!

We all love a powerful, intelligent woman that finds an equal, opposite boy toy. I hope that pair becomes a spin off drama just so we can indulge in the fantasy of a love that transcends politics, beliefs and appearances.

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Jumbles of Emotions

At malls, my mother would accost people with stories of her latest ailments and as an on-looker it was the clear the person was politely making all of the right sounds and looking for a way to get away from her. Now it was me who was sick. Who am I trying to impress? Am I looking for care? It feels awful.IMG_0297

It also brings me face to face with another thing. A bit that I have just started wording directly, because if you ever say it out loud everyone will correct you, but it doesn’t make it less true. I have never been unconditionally loved. This woman, my mother, was so absorbed in herself, her appearance and her needs, she just gobbled everyone up around her.

I could only get her attention by impressing her or doing something for her. She would pick me up at lunch during grade school and have me deliver phone books. It was her part time job. I would run up to the door and she would drive house to house. It was simply always, all about her.

Ditto for X, except with him, I was already trained when he arrived on the scene. Which brings me to now. I have approached it with my daughters, but never the intensity of a one on one relationship. I worry that I might lose myself again. I can justify anything. But I think that I’ll allow it.

Such is the need to be loved, which I am currently suppressing. Think of how much energy that is requiring. How many other emotions am I closing myself to? You can’t be selective with this type of thing. You stop feeling, you stop feeling everything.

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Crowe vs Gosling

So then I was watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, formerly of the Colbert Report and previous to that, on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He was interviewing Russell Crowe and I was astounded by how fat Russell Crowe was. I stopped and became aware that it changed my opinion of him. He seemed to have less authority. I felt sorry for him. He seemed pitiful.

The sketch went on. He was promoting a movie with Gosling. The idea was to play jokes on one another to sell the idea that they can have chemistry together, perhaps in their movie. It was so painful to watch I had to fast forward through it.

But how could they possibly get along when they both want the exact same thing? There is no way they could ever give it to one another, they’re divas. So how could they possibly tolerate being with the only other person in the room they never want to talk to?

But I am interested to know, was Russell fat in the movie or is this fake comedy road show forcing him to eat so that he won’t beat the shit out of Gosling? I may go and watch the segment again. I have it on PVR, as with everything I watch I want to be able to watch it on my own time, not by a set program.

I Love Rock and Roll“, is playing. I associate this song with an old boyfriend. That is two old boyfriend reminders in as many days. I wonder if my willingness to open that window to love is reminding me of the love I have had in my life and drawing in reminders? Strange this energy flow thing. Ironically, it was during this song I realized that I didn’t want to be with this particular man.

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Imaginary Man

Last night, I described how I asked myself why I was still fat and I burst into tears. Several ways to interpret it, but I’m trying to get in touch with my body not analyze it to death. Sophie is barking. I’ll be right back.

I let her out long enough for her to realize that it is still raining.IMG_6748

Where was I? Awe yes, Russell Crowe. Yesterday, I came to tears when I asked myself what was going on? Those are the facts, mam. Just the facts.

I also cried later. If I consider the possibility that there is a man for me that wouldn’t just cause me more work. How would that look? I began to imagine he was standing at the stove, stirring the mushrooms. Not only did I not have to worry about dinner, it was already half made and he was taking care of the rest.

A flood of relaxation washed over me and I wanted to be near him. I walked over to the stove and threw my arms around this imaginary person I had designed to help me through this visualization. He did not really have form, just a presence. His features and build were unclear. That was not the important part of this visualization.

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Dating Again?

So, I’m telling co-workers, people that I know casually in my social circles and my daughters that I am thinking about dating again. I considered not telling them. But, truth is I’ll want their judgement. That is one of the safeguards that has been recommended by people I’ve told about my plan and my concerns.

IMGP4864Apparently, our current social etiquette is to meet someone electronically. If you are not on a dating site, it would still be appropriate to have the man email you directly. Anyone who knows me would have my email or would ask for it. Then time is set aside usually for a coffee. If it is a mutual friend or a friend of a friend, it might be a drink. The second date is as diverse as there are people but generally involves something enjoyable that is done in public for a slightly longer period of time. Like a walk in the park or dinner.

Before there is a third date or at least a date alone, I have to introduce him to at least one of my friends and one of my daughters. That is likely date three and four. There may be other dates in there, but none in private.

This is one of my greatest fears. There is a possibility that I lose my intelligence in these matters once I am intimate. It is a reasonable explanation to what happened in my marriage. I have written some pieces on “chemical bonding” that our bodies do. There are hormones of attachment. Oxytocin is Queen of this. She is what is released during childbirth, orgasm and milk let down. Why ducklings can bond to the wrong object. They were flooded with oxytocin when there was nothing else around to bond to.

So, that must be avoided at all costs until I believe his isn’t a narcissist.

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Opening the Door to Emotions

Found tapped inside a journal in a thrift shop. Original source unknown.

Found tapped inside a journal in a thrift shop. Original source unknown.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, a mate. I think wanting a dog may have been a substitute for wanting to be able to hold someone against me. Not as a mate, per se, but a physical companion. Someone to cuddle with while watching television and possibly sleep with you, if they weren’t too disruptive.

My experience brought a memory of what it feels like to let your heart touch another. I’ve been denying myself that. That door has been closed. And like with any other emotion you do not allow yourself to feel, you block others as well. How much other love am I blocking trying to stop myself from feeling that intimate type? I hope to find out – knock on wood.

The first step for me was to take out a one month membership on a dating site and just see what happened. It was a frightening disaster. I’m fine, but I felt vulnerable and seemed to pull out only crazy guys. So I decided I needed help. I began telling almost everyone that I was thinking about this. It occurred to me that what I also needed to add was that I was open to meeting new people, so if they knew of anyone, who wasn’t a prick, I would be interested in hearing about them.

It has taken a lot to open up to people and finally admit that I’m trying to get back out there. For years I was adamant that being single was the best thing for me. In addition, all of my girls were here and that would make me even more leery about getting involved with anyone, good or bad.

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