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Time Has Passed

I have a story written, I had decided to post here, explaining all that has happened since the last time I posted, but I’ll save it for later.

Too much wine, too much food and the question as to why are settling in my mind. I sit here, with too much light pollution and a very cold breeze ruining an otherwise delightful evening on the Amalfi coast.

My stomach is not complaining, yet, but the wine has taken over my brain. Loneliness. Profound and utter loneliness. Forget about the location, forget about the scenery and exotic foods. The overwhelming feeling is one of being utterly and totally alone.

The sights, sounds and experiences go unshared. The hopes and dreams for the future are mine alone to contemplate. Ravioli, the freshest shrimp I’ve ever tasted and the overwhelming sensation of isolation.

More to share later, but for now, the cheque, the walk to the hostel, or ‘ostello’ and the recognition that travel, wine and food do not fill the hole left by the lack of a companion.

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Distractions

Now, my exploration is to determine why I eat when I’m not hungry. So, that is now. I have an overwhelming desire to eat. I have promised myself that I will wait. Unfortunately, I know from past experience, once I have a full meal in the evening, I am unlikely to be hungry again until tomorrow morning.

This will force me to face head on my desire to eat. I am going to alternate writing and watching television. I associate television with eating, so that will be challenging on its own.

It’s loneliness. There is no question. That is not a new revelation for me, but I am just at the stage of being aware of it. Now, the hard part starts. Not eating, feeling this emotion. Mmmmhhhh.IMG_6711

Seriously looking for a distraction. I went out back for a few minutes. It is beautiful out there. I started to think about how I should decorate. I actually had what might have been a small growl. I’m going to wait ten minutes or so and see if I have another one. At that point, I’ll re-evaluate. Definitely a rumble. I’m going to have some wine and cheese.

My computer screamed at me. I just dashed in to get the latest copy of my Oprah Magazine. There is no way I’m choosing electronic delivery. It is the experience of having the smooth pages, tearing out a perfume sample, or recipe. The corner turned.

Just that whole linear thing. I miss that. I knew I was starting at the beginning, seeing everything and finishing. With multiple links and other pages opening, I always feel like there is more, just out of reach. There is no sense of satisfaction, but I digress.

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Sobbing

I was trying to create the shift in my mind from, “a man would be more work” to, “I can picture how a man would make this less work”. So I saw him standing at the stove, back to me, stirring the mushrooms and I walked over to the stove and pressed myself up against his back and wrapped my arms around him. One over his chest and the other his abdomen. Full hug.IMG_6372

I began sobbing and had to brace myself on the stove and counter top. Bent over sobbing. I kept remembering to bring my focus on the sensation I was feeling, however painful, and allow myself to feel the pain so that I could release it.

After a few moments, or minutes, I have no way of knowing, I made it over to a chair and sat there and continued to cry. Then I was done. It left. It was no longer causing pain and I was aware of a tingling where it had passed through me. That stayed for a while, most of the rest of the evening I believe.

So two breakthroughs, that may or may not be related, but lets talk about the fat one first. I promised.

There is a fear of losing part of who I am. I have felt like a champion of women’s rights. Yes, it is possible to be intelligent and not be Hollywood beautiful and thin and you certainly do not need to attain the second in order to be the first. Anyway, I identify with it and I need to know what that part of me needs, because I can’t believe it is to be fat.

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Sausage Shaped

Sophie is moaning now in a sorrowful bark. She doesn’t seem to settle on her own. Again, I want to express my gratitude for her reminding me of why I don’t want a dog. After I filled out an application at the Humane Society but well before there was a dog offering.IMG_6673

I had to go talk to Sophie. I don’t know what she is upset about, but she won’t stop barking. It freaked me out a bit. She seemed really distressed. She’s eating. The food was there before she started barking. I’m confused.

It is interesting to have such an odd shaped dog in the house. I have never had a basset hound and their shape is unique. She is almost sausage shaped with very short little legs and rumply, ping pong paddles for ears. It is a very dramatic look, but she can pull it off.

Walking is also a unique event. She insists walking faster than I can and then jutting sideways and possibly backwards when she picks up a scent and then she must investigate.

There was a thought. A thought that proceeded the sadness that washed over me. Yes, the company is nice but how much extra work am I willing to do to have some affection in my life? Not very much I’m afraid.

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