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Transactional Love

Thing is, I’ve never received love that wasn’t transactional. I had to earn it. If I didn’t earn it I was ostracized. By my mother and my husband. So, I shutter to think of how much work it would be to have someone in my life. Then, it occurs to me, I don’t want that part. That is a part of the pathology that I’m trying to free myself from.

Ferry terminal in Vancouver

Ferry terminal in Vancouver

I’ve heard it quaintly referred to as “people pleasers” and perhaps some are, but if you only receive love when you are doing something for someone else it goes way beyond a cute little attribute.

My first rule. There can be no additional work. If I want a companion, it shouldn’t mean that I have double the work I do. The division of labour might shift, but it should be equal or him doing slightly more than me.

Sophie is providing some joy, but the price is too high. I don’t want a dog.

I’m going to watch Episode 5, I believe of Grace and Frankie, or the other way around. I think this is called binge watching. 🙂

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Sadness

My drapes are shut again. On Saturday afternoon the chances of a door-to-door solicitation of some sort is so strong it’s not worth the risk. I’d just rather not have to deal with it.

I have had a wave of sadness roll over me. I had a great day….the dog is barking. I left the back door open so that she can go in and out. The yard is totally fenced and she’s been out a lot at this point and we haven’t run into any problems. I do overthink things a little.

IMG_5831That precisely is what I’m trying not to do with the sadness. Just honour it. Feel it, without analyzing its meaning or why its there. It is. Deal. I’m focused on the sensation. It felt like a large rectangular hole has been cut out of my chest. Perhaps beamed to another location. It is painful to allow the sensation to consume me, but I’m going to relax and let go of fear. I actually got a little dizzy, but after a little while I just couldn’t feel it anymore.

Usually, if you touch genuinely on an emotion, you cry. That is diagnostic of a true release. I didn’t feel that now, but I suspect it will resurface. I did cry earlier during a Frankie and Gracie episode. It may be the other way around. Will and Grace may be confusing me.

Anyway, I had a good day overall, even though I didn’t get my pivoting stand for my new treadmill. I will do the arduous task of turning the pieces individually for a while and order one on-line.

I hate that I order so much on-line. Not enough to not do it of course, but often what I want is only available that way. Even all of the stands I saw on the internet were not available in the stores, only by delivery. So, again, I’m making a purchase on line.

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Enjoyment

Anywho, they couldn’t help me, the guys at Powerline that is. These pieces were not manufactured by the companies that they dealt with but he said there were other stores that might carry something.

I suddenly feel really tired. I may indulge in two of my favourite addictions. Caffeine and nicotine. I’ll return.

Cried at the end of the second episode of the second season of Grace and Frankie, or the other way around. I can never remember. Netflix has seemed to be able to give artists their free range. Unencumbered by the need to finance the project from an external source and even removing the sensors because they have their own distribution network, means their shows are exceptional. House of Cards is way and above the kind of thing you see anywhere else. I feel like I know these people.

Some of my most favourite programming now is on Netflix. It is incredible.

I confess, I only felt one growl, really early this morning and I’ve been essentially eating ever since. I think that is OK for today. I recognize that food is filling a need, other than nutritional, and I’m trying to be gentle and loving with myself. If this amount of food negates the progress of the rest of the week, I’ll restrict it further, but right now I’m trying to meet all of my needs and live in that space.

I am tracking calories, not as a way to punish myself, or restrict my intake, but just so that my left brain, the part that wants something to quantify can try to understand what is happening. It is also an objective measure of whether or not I’m getting essential nutrients. Ooooh, chocolate is an essential nutrient. I think I’ll have any icy square.

Simply put. I am not willing to eliminate things that I enjoy.

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