Blogging, Life Coaching

I’m Fat

I think I finally understand my inability to trust myself when it comes to matters of food. I refer to it as the “think yourself thin” days. The external rules to control eating, but the truth is, you must love yourself and then learn to respect hunger and full signals.

I’ve eaten as much as I want, of all the things, until I literally made myself sick. Abandoning all of the rules lead to excess. Like Elizabeth says in Eat, Pray, Love, sometimes you just have to cross the line to find out where the line is.

The scared part. The one that has often been restricted, wasn’t willing to discuss any other arrangement. I realize I’m talking about myself in the third person, but there is distinctly a scared little girl who used to go to bed hungry. Who often felt unloved and uncared for that gets the shit scared out of her when I decide to restrict what I eat. She is part of me. A very specific part of me.

Now I know I physically made myself sick by overeating a bunch of junk I have been denying myself. Without the goal of weight loss you can pay attention to how it makes you feel. This is the only honest way to be with yourself. 

Karma bitch slapped me. I went in and bought just candy. Specifically rosebuds and rockets. I’ve been craving sugar since Halloween. The woman gave me this discount for being over sixty. I’m fifty-four. The universe has a quirky sense of humour. 

I’m fat and it is OK. My goal is to love myself as I am now.

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Sizzle

One of my neighbours has had the audacity to sear a steak on a BBQ near by. They are flagrantly showing off. It seems a little much. I wonder if I went over with a couple bottles of nice wine, if I could get a taste? Now that, would be off-script.IMG_6209

The male appetite. It allowed a huge variety of food to be in the house because it would all get eaten. I’ve learned to cook and freeze, so I can still eat great meals, but I haven’t been able to replace the beef.

When you are buying half a carcass, you can have absolute control over how it is treated. The “good” butcher shops have all made that synonymous with organic and humane practices, as defined by them.

Don’t even get me started on grocery stores. So, I have not been able to find good steaks. The Presidents choice filet mignon with bacon come close. I’ll have to get me some of those.

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Distractions

Now, my exploration is to determine why I eat when I’m not hungry. So, that is now. I have an overwhelming desire to eat. I have promised myself that I will wait. Unfortunately, I know from past experience, once I have a full meal in the evening, I am unlikely to be hungry again until tomorrow morning.

This will force me to face head on my desire to eat. I am going to alternate writing and watching television. I associate television with eating, so that will be challenging on its own.

It’s loneliness. There is no question. That is not a new revelation for me, but I am just at the stage of being aware of it. Now, the hard part starts. Not eating, feeling this emotion. Mmmmhhhh.IMG_6711

Seriously looking for a distraction. I went out back for a few minutes. It is beautiful out there. I started to think about how I should decorate. I actually had what might have been a small growl. I’m going to wait ten minutes or so and see if I have another one. At that point, I’ll re-evaluate. Definitely a rumble. I’m going to have some wine and cheese.

My computer screamed at me. I just dashed in to get the latest copy of my Oprah Magazine. There is no way I’m choosing electronic delivery. It is the experience of having the smooth pages, tearing out a perfume sample, or recipe. The corner turned.

Just that whole linear thing. I miss that. I knew I was starting at the beginning, seeing everything and finishing. With multiple links and other pages opening, I always feel like there is more, just out of reach. There is no sense of satisfaction, but I digress.

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