Blogging, Life Coaching

I’m Fat

I think I finally understand my inability to trust myself when it comes to matters of food. I refer to it as the “think yourself thin” days. The external rules to control eating, but the truth is, you must love yourself and then learn to respect hunger and full signals.

I’ve eaten as much as I want, of all the things, until I literally made myself sick. Abandoning all of the rules lead to excess. Like Elizabeth says in Eat, Pray, Love, sometimes you just have to cross the line to find out where the line is.

The scared part. The one that has often been restricted, wasn’t willing to discuss any other arrangement. I realize I’m talking about myself in the third person, but there is distinctly a scared little girl who used to go to bed hungry. Who often felt unloved and uncared for that gets the shit scared out of her when I decide to restrict what I eat. She is part of me. A very specific part of me.

Now I know I physically made myself sick by overeating a bunch of junk I have been denying myself. Without the goal of weight loss you can pay attention to how it makes you feel. This is the only honest way to be with yourself. 

Karma bitch slapped me. I went in and bought just candy. Specifically rosebuds and rockets. I’ve been craving sugar since Halloween. The woman gave me this discount for being over sixty. I’m fifty-four. The universe has a quirky sense of humour. 

I’m fat and it is OK. My goal is to love myself as I am now.

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Scattered

I can see the new flowers from where I’m sitting, right now, at my desk. There is a splash of red, pink, peach and yellow. They are all bright. The assortment doesn’t “match” in a way I like the colours to accent each other, but I bought every colour they had so I didn’t have to leave one there.

IMGP7390I need some work done out front and I pay for it about every three years. Annually would be like getting my nails done every two weeks. Who has the time? Anywhen, I am getting the yard done. I didn’t go back to the original company because I’m too embarrassed that I let it go this far. Even though the owner is a cutie.

Speaking of nails, I gotta get that done. I’m not sure when. They are about the right length now, so they’ll be perfect for a couple of weeks. They last longer than that, but they usually don’t hold up to nail polish then. That’s what we need, a nail polish that acts as “fill” to extend our gel manicures.

So, I was examining what part of me cried when I thought about losing my fat. Then, I thought about Russell and it occurred to me that how I see him as a fat man reflects on my biases towards fat people and that must include me. Hypocrisy. Not a characteristic you want to find in yourself, but there it is.

I’m trying to reread this to catch my train of thought and Sophie is barking again. My god. I’ve had enough of this. She woke me from my nap, twice, as well. I look forward to my naps.

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Crowe vs Gosling

So then I was watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, formerly of the Colbert Report and previous to that, on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He was interviewing Russell Crowe and I was astounded by how fat Russell Crowe was. I stopped and became aware that it changed my opinion of him. He seemed to have less authority. I felt sorry for him. He seemed pitiful.

The sketch went on. He was promoting a movie with Gosling. The idea was to play jokes on one another to sell the idea that they can have chemistry together, perhaps in their movie. It was so painful to watch I had to fast forward through it.

But how could they possibly get along when they both want the exact same thing? There is no way they could ever give it to one another, they’re divas. So how could they possibly tolerate being with the only other person in the room they never want to talk to?

But I am interested to know, was Russell fat in the movie or is this fake comedy road show forcing him to eat so that he won’t beat the shit out of Gosling? I may go and watch the segment again. I have it on PVR, as with everything I watch I want to be able to watch it on my own time, not by a set program.

I Love Rock and Roll“, is playing. I associate this song with an old boyfriend. That is two old boyfriend reminders in as many days. I wonder if my willingness to open that window to love is reminding me of the love I have had in my life and drawing in reminders? Strange this energy flow thing. Ironically, it was during this song I realized that I didn’t want to be with this particular man.

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Why Weight?

I had a minor breakthrough. I asked myself nicely why I was hanging onto my weight and I broke into tears. I had hit on a painful truth. I feel like I am hurting the “fat” part of me. There is a part of me that identifies fully with the fat. For years I’ve been proud to carry my weight well and I did not try to diet. I recognized I ate too much, but my options were simple.

IMG_5929I couldn’t take a lover, I did not have time. I couldn’t drink because I couldn’t afford to let it lower my efficiency and for a while I was always driving, so that wouldn’t do. I did not believe in antidepressants and not sure I do yet. But all that to say, I knew I was eating to calm myself down and now I don’t want to continue doing that. That part of myself will not be honoured. Mmm… that doesn’t sound right.

What I know for sure. I honestly asked myself why I wanted to remain fat. Let’s just recognize up front: In any moment of decision, all available outcomes are possible. You choose the one that is in line with your goals. Always. So why do you believe your goals are one thing when in fact they are not?

There was a part that identified with being fat that was scared. Somehow it defines its identity through that belief. That is the belief I have been looking for. What does being fat mean to me? What role is it playing?

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