Blogging

Emotional Abuse

I’ll say it right up front. My specialty is narcissists, but I have come to see that not all abuse is without empathy. The tools are the same and the reason they work is the same.

If you have a relationship you are having trouble getting over, there may have been some level of manipulation. If you spend countless hours trying to remember details of your day so you can be certain when you defend yourself, you are being gaslighted.

If you would rather be at work then home, you need to examine that.

Emotional abuse works because a person who is supposed to love you and take care of you instead uses their connection with you to undermine your self confidence and make you feel inadequate.

If you often feel bad after being with someone who ‘loves’ you, consider the possibility they are emotionally abusing you.

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Blogging

Why Sadness

Again, here I am. A little sad and I’m not sure why. I’m in Positano, one of the best places in the world for beautiful escarpments. I rooted myself for a few days, so I’ve gotten to know a few people and yet, I’m still sad.

Interesting.

I am just going to sit with it, but I don’t have any idea why I’m feeling this way. In the past, I would’ve done my best to talk myself out of the mood. I would state the attributes and conclude it wasn’t reasonable. Fortunately, I’ve learned that doesn’t work long term.

Denying or repressing emotions doesn’t make them go away. It just forces them to settle in your body and fester until they erupt at inappropriate times. Alternatively, they can manifest as all kinds of illnesses, muscle aches, headaches, general malaise or worse.

So here I sit sad and I have no idea why.

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Blogging

Drunk and Stoned. Yeah!

I hooked up the control to the speakers in the burgundy room wrong. Now I have sound bleed in the family room.

I had the same panic that I had before Thanksgiving. This time there was no basis. It may just be weed that makes me feel paranoid.

Today’s top stories are:

Mommy in the front yard

Taras is he gay?

Weight or wait?

My non-invincibility

Overeating/overworking

Measures of accountability

Sex thoughts. Am I an erotica writer?

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Blogging

Thanksgiving

Feeling pretty low. The meal was OK, but it was a lot of work. Along with my children came two loafs of bread, two jars of soup and pies. I knew about the pies, but the rest I didn’t know about till after. They wanted to

serve the soup before the meal. Not enough pots, spoons etc. It was a big deal to accommodate it.

As soon as we were done eating, they were off for a walk, which meant no help with clean up. I was upset.

A comment was made about me demanding attention. I pointed out I didn’t think that was fair, but the comment stood.

So, I demand too much attention. No visits to my place for over four months.

I give up. I feel raped. For the first time it is setting in that they feel Thanksgiving is just me demanding attention. Oh I get it. I guess I better stop demanding so much.

I went for a swim this morning. I feel sad and stupid. I want to hide. I wish they would go home early. I have no desire to have them here any longer.

Anyhow. I feel like shit. I am so alone. I promised myself I wouldn’t smoke this weekend. It is becoming clear that I have nothing else in my life. The comment about demanding attention cut me to the core.

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Blogging, Life Coaching

Exposure

I just sent out the dates for my two new courses, for those individuals who requested advance notice. I immediately felt, well, insecure.

I just dealt with a pocket of insecurity from my childhood and this time I am acknowledging it and feeling the energy surfing through my body.

There is an actual vibration in my upper abdomen. I think I’ll sit with it for a moment and just let my body protest. Out of my comfort zone? You bet!

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if anyone is interested enough to sign up!

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Roller coaster 

Despite the roller coaster of emotions I seem to be on, often crying during my meditation, my life feels like it is getting better.

My productivity has increased. I am getting lots of exercise, part of that is my iWatch, I’m sure, and in general I seem to be taking better care of myself all around.

My current plan is to continue to meditate daily and hopefully, things will smooth out.

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Blogging, Life Coaching

An Old Memory

This is not a photo of that back yard but it does capture the desolation and lack of greenery.

Two large chunks of brick walls. They once enclosed something, perhaps a patio. No grass, just weeds. This was the new place we had moved to recently. I had just turned nine.

The last place was spacious, with a tree fort, swing set, sandbox and a large lawn as well.

Many homes I’ve had have a maple tree just outside my bedroom window. My current home has one as well.

Here there was no place to be outside and still at home. As an adult I can understand the need to be out in green spaces. But then, I just felt the absence of something. My cat had gone missing, as well.

This is one of the memories that has surfaced as a sensation in my body and then formed as a memory before it was released. 

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