Blogging, Life Coaching

Exposure

I just sent out the dates for my two new courses, for those individuals who requested advance notice. I immediately felt, well, insecure.

I just dealt with a pocket of insecurity from my childhood and this time I am acknowledging it and feeling the energy surfing through my body.

There is an actual vibration in my upper abdomen. I think I’ll sit with it for a moment and just let my body protest. Out of my comfort zone? You bet!

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if anyone is interested enough to sign up!

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Blogging

Roller coaster 

Despite the roller coaster of emotions I seem to be on, often crying during my meditation, my life feels like it is getting better.

My productivity has increased. I am getting lots of exercise, part of that is my iWatch, I’m sure, and in general I seem to be taking better care of myself all around.

My current plan is to continue to meditate daily and hopefully, things will smooth out.

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Blogging, Life Coaching

An Old Memory

This is not a photo of that back yard but it does capture the desolation and lack of greenery.

Two large chunks of brick walls. They once enclosed something, perhaps a patio. No grass, just weeds. This was the new place we had moved to recently. I had just turned nine.

The last place was spacious, with a tree fort, swing set, sandbox and a large lawn as well.

Many homes I’ve had have a maple tree just outside my bedroom window. My current home has one as well.

Here there was no place to be outside and still at home. As an adult I can understand the need to be out in green spaces. But then, I just felt the absence of something. My cat had gone missing, as well.

This is one of the memories that has surfaced as a sensation in my body and then formed as a memory before it was released. 

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Blogging, Spirituality

12’ves

This has nothing to do with the story, I just needed a picture and this is kinda cool and I’ve never used it before.

I have mentioned in previous posts my propensity to see 11’s. Now I am seeing 12’s with the same frequency. I don’t know what that could possibly mean.

But each time it happens I think I am just a little out of sync right now. I wonder what that’s all about? Related or not, the new stage in my vipassana journey is to have emotions being expressed in my body.

I have become so accustomed to how I feel in “neutral”, when there are no emotions, that any disturbance is very noticeable. I’ve had three emotions come up over the last few days.

Insecurity, a totally foreign concept, overwhelmed me and I’m shocked I had suppressed that emotion. I never remember feeling that.

Or do I. The little girl with her bed pushed up against the wall so she could sleep next to it. She cried herself to sleep many a night.

There was no thought to go wake someone. There was no one there. No one who cared, anyhow. Mnmnnn.

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Blogging, Life Coaching

Drama

Macmillan Provincial Park, Canada

Before we begin, I’d like to speak directly about drama itself. It can be exhilarating to be swept up in romance. The passion of make-up sex, the heightened emotions. Many movies are created for the sole purpose of taking the audience on a passionate adventure. We live to feel emotion. But it can get tiring.

When you realize a pre-occupation with the swings of your relationship is consuming your days, it may occur to you your entire life is unhappy. So, consider the possibility that you crave the drama and that is what keeps you there, then ask yourself is it worth it?

What I mean is this. Do you want most of your life to be in the background because you are always dealing with the emotions surrounding a fight, or the silent treatment, or odd behaviour? Narcissists cause this drama and the initial appeal is lost because it has the power to overrun your life eventually.

The easiest way to eliminate a narcissist is no contact, even through other people. Unfortunately, many of us have had to co-parent, or wanted to maintain a relationship with other members of the family. For people in these situations, it is harder.

Strict no contact is the gold standard. This includes letting all of your mutual relationships know you don’t care if they continue their relationship with the person you no longer want to hear from. Also, you would appreciate not being brought up to date while you are together. Any friend who can’t respect that may be drawn to the same pathology and might better be reconsidered.

 

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Blogging

Like dust

I mentioned earlier I had found a wee pocket of pain. With the release, I now identify a specific taste or sensation associated with it

I’m sitting here tasting it and allowing it to leave. The sensation is as of dust rising from my skin. Dead dried old dust, like the stuff that burns off the first time you turn your furnace on, when the fall arrives.

Leaving, floating away in an almost visible density. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens next. I feel good. 

Lots of outdoor exercise. I was closing my pool. I am grateful I built myself such a wonderful place to live and I am appreciating it now as I sit here writing. 

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Blogging

True Love

I find myself at a precipice looking over the edge. Like a haunting scene in Star Trek , in several episodes. But I digress

Recently, as in practice what you preach, I found a little pocket of grief and let myself express it. I had never forgiven myself for falling in love with my X. 

The exercise is simple to explain yet difficult to implement. When you discover a twinge of emotion, a reaction to an event, seeing something or someone, or to something someone says or does you’ve likely learned to suppress it, ignore it. Learn to pay attention instead. 

Often it is socially inappropriate, for instance to express a true emotion as it is felt. The problem with this is that in some homes all expression of emotion is strongly discouraged. 

So make note of these twitches or pangs when they occur. Write them down if necessary. Or perhaps they are still fresh and ever present. It takes more energy to suppress emotions than it does to express them. Even though many of us have made it a practice to ignore them and shove them out of our consciousness. 

Don’t get me wrong. Expressing emotions can be difficult and it is usually painful. Sometimes, it can literally overwhelm you. So prepare for that. 

When you know you have a period of time, wrap yourself in a blanket, shawl, duvet, pretty well what ever you have. 

Don’t leave this out. Wrapping yourself in something warm is a way of calming yourself down on many levels. Then, prepare for afterwards. What will you do? A bath, shower, walk, movie, dancing….You know better than I do. 

My first choice is a walk outside. Familiar, stimulating, life in all its forms. There is some sort of healing power from being out in nature. 

I may still need to take that walk. I haven’t gotten my 7000 in yet today. Not even close. So where was I, oh yes, I found a pocket of pain.   

True to myself, I planned for afterwards. My family would be home for a few days. Perfect, my family is everything. So I carved out an evening to get in touch with what still hurt and that was it. 

I loved him completely. All of the people I love look like him. They have brought me a huge amount of perfect moments. Like I spoke about the wedding. I’ve chosen to remember the goods bits. Like he’d been hit by a truck. Instead of focusing on the catastrophe of actually separating and dividing up the stuff. 

But a gift he gave me has reasonated through my life and it has been wonderful. Unfortunately my love for him was not reciprocal. To him I was just a cog in his wheel. Easily replaceable. 

Now here I am still blaming myself for being so stupid, instead of admitting for better or worse, he was the love of my life. Question is, are we restricted to one per lifetime?

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