Walk and Talk

Perfect weather. Hot and sunny on Saturday followed by an overcast, cool day. Perfect for being in doors. Nice mix.

So I met a friend, while out walking on the paths that run behind my property. I like her; mother of boys, good outlook. We have walked our dogs together. Mine is no longer here, but that’s not the point of this story.IMG_0347

I asked her, “Do you have a minute, or five?” as we muddled through niceties. Her shoulders dropped and she looked sadly at me.

“Are you alright?”

“Absolutely. I have a great story and if you only have a minute, I don’t want to just give you the punch line, I can tell you later.”

“Can we walk while we talk?” She suggested, clearly showing there was going to be enough time to tell the story. So I did.

June 1, yes I know it is past now, but it wasn’t when I met her on the path. I explained that if by that date, I had not had a period, I would be officially menopausal by the medical definition. Funny thing, my body was not giving me a clear indication of whether or not I was still fertile, or was fertile that one last time.

Somehow, I had imagined the drifting into menopause like one of those line graphs pointing down as it moves to the right. Things just gradually turned off and suddenly you noticed, you were no longer fertile.

Not what happened. Not at all.



On the way home, at the last major intersection before my house, I simply made a right hand turn instead of going straight home. A need. I felt it, like a familiar tug. Go Right.So I did and that set me in the direction of the pound. I actually had a little difficulty finding it.

Over the next few days I fell in love once and put in an application for adoption. Little did I know, at the time, I was under the influence of my “going out of business sale” and all of its proceeds. I considered getting another dog. euuuughhj I shake.

So as I am telling her this, she asks if the dog I am walking was recently adopted and thankfully, I could say no.

Sophie, the basset hound, who was my ultimate saviour, in this instance, came to stay for two weeks. She was needy, loud and filthy. She reminded me precicely why I didn’t want to have to take care of another dog, however well suited.

So we laughed and the discussion went to other topics. I’m just glad I didn’t give out the punch line first.


Snow in the Pool

Sophie has switched to a low, mournful howl.

I tried another visualization of when a man would make my life better. Yesterday, when it was cold outside, but not unreasonable to use a pool that was already warm. I would’ve taken the time to turn on the heater and the sauna and go outside for a swim. I’ve done that for myself before, but it is much enhanced with someone.


There was NOT this much snow, but this is a nice photo, anyhow.

The mournful cry continues. I’m really losing it. She’s not going to let me write. I think I’ll go back up to my bedroom and ignore her. I don’t think one person can take care of this dog. She is too demanding. Its incredible.

She stopped for a while. I spent some time reading through the blogs of some of my followers. There are some pretty good writers out there. I waited until Sophie was no longer making any noise. I can’t write anything coherent with her barking.

OK, I get it, I don’t want a dog. Thanks for reminding me. She started to bark again.

It is snowing. I’m not kidding. There is enough snow that there is a white border on my driveway. It was just swimming weather two days ago. I guess this would be that climate change everyone is talking about. I’ve felt for months that the seasons would just not flip over, to the next. We usually get a few months of cold, cold weather with lots of snow. It didn’t happen this year.

Now, in contrast with how seasons used to come in gradually and then finally wax until the next season took over. Now we seem to have large amounts of time when the two types of seasons overlap in unprecedented ways.



I sat to type and Sophie barked again and I felt the edge of a tear. I am feeling terribly sorry for myself. I just want her to leave me alone. This is really wearing me down. It is the same type of sadness I felt in particularly bad parts of my marriage. But let’s not get into that.

Stress eating. I’m glad I have chocolate.IMG_6148

I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll swim. It is quite cold outside. We’re talking single digits. The water would still be fairly warm, but it would be cold getting out. I could, of course, turn on the sauna, anticipating how cold I’d be getting out of a pool wet and 7 degrees outside. I’ll think about it.

I decided to go to bed early. Sophie won’t let me write or watch t.v. She is demanding attention constantly and when she does settle, I can’t help but feel that I need to remain stationary so as not to wake her.

Needless to say, having the dog here is stressing me out. She is barking now, but she is in her crate and it is quite early, so she wouldn’t normally be up by now. I need to be able to let my thoughts flow without the constant interruption of having to deal with her. Today is my last day. Thank goodness.


Train of Thought

Somehow, my self-esteem is tied to remaining fat as if I have to prove to the world that I don’t have to conform or that I can do it my way, something like that. The rest is all tied up in what I’ve done so far, that cannot be changed, was done while fat. Is it some how diminished? I’m trying to get this thought down and Sophie is barking constantly. Now I’ve lost my train of thought. I’m glad she is gone day after tomorrow.

Ironically, I mentioned in an earlier post how much I like the SSs in this font and now I dread typing them. I don’t like to feel this much negativity. In many ways I’ve removed as much as possible from my life. But its back! I’m so glad she is going home.

My weight was surprisingly low this morning. I think it is a hormone shift. For those of you just joining us, I started this blog because in a flood of hormones I almost adopted a puppy. Those same hormones seem to be puffing me out. There is other evidence that they have subsided for now, and likely for good. I’m coming up on a year.100-0208

The end of another era. It is astonishing to me how quickly life passes. How out of reach it suddenly becomes. Like getting on the plane in Cuba knowing that you are closer to the resort and yet you will not get there. The past is just as elusive.

I think I’ll need another smoke. Smoking is over represented in my blogs because they are both things I do only at home when relaxing. So I’m always writing at the same time I’m smoking.



I can see the new flowers from where I’m sitting, right now, at my desk. There is a splash of red, pink, peach and yellow. They are all bright. The assortment doesn’t “match” in a way I like the colours to accent each other, but I bought every colour they had so I didn’t have to leave one there.

IMGP7390I need some work done out front and I pay for it about every three years. Annually would be like getting my nails done every two weeks. Who has the time? Anywhen, I am getting the yard done. I didn’t go back to the original company because I’m too embarrassed that I let it go this far. Even though the owner is a cutie.

Speaking of nails, I gotta get that done. I’m not sure when. They are about the right length now, so they’ll be perfect for a couple of weeks. They last longer than that, but they usually don’t hold up to nail polish then. That’s what we need, a nail polish that acts as “fill” to extend our gel manicures.

So, I was examining what part of me cried when I thought about losing my fat. Then, I thought about Russell and it occurred to me that how I see him as a fat man reflects on my biases towards fat people and that must include me. Hypocrisy. Not a characteristic you want to find in yourself, but there it is.

I’m trying to reread this to catch my train of thought and Sophie is barking again. My god. I’ve had enough of this. She woke me from my nap, twice, as well. I look forward to my naps.


Pool is Open

I swam the other night and I felt powerful and strong. It is a thrill for me that I don’t get any other way and I know I’ve been missing it. I’ll have to extend my Movati membership longer next year. Despite the high chlorine there.

Anyway, the pool is warm, the evening will be cool, I have the light on in the pool. It is supposed to be lights but I don’t want to exaggerate. Only one is working. After dinner, possibly at sunset, I think I’ll go for a swim. Now when should I have the wine?IMG_6739

I went to sit down and write and Sophie started barking. We just came in from a walk and some time on the balcony and I thought she’d give me a break. She has learned how to politely enter my bedroom, from the balcony, ahead of me. That is how I want her to do it. I need to stay back to shut the door.

I was so pleased, I said to her, “You’re a Good Dog! Sadie!” Which somehow detracts from the authenticity of the compliment. Safe to say I never bonded with her. I think the turning point was early, last Friday when I was exhausted and there had been men in the house. I wanted a nap. I hauled her up onto my bed. Let’s just say there is no way she could ever get up on her own.

She stood and looked out my balcony, barking, whining and running back and forth as people passed. Then there was that big gob of saliva. I had to get a cloth and wash her face, I did not want that shit on my duvet cover. Yuck. But I digress.