Blogging, Life Coaching

Satiety

One of my favourite meals. Lasagna and Ceasar Salad. I make the lasagnas up 16 at a time, so it is a staple around here.

About five days ago I turned a corner on my eating. I’ve read similar words before and I hope these turn out to be true for me this time. Suddenly I am not overeating. I just started to trust myself.

I first had to dismantle all of the rules I’ve told myself about what I should and should not be eating. Instead of listening to my body I was making the translation through the word understanding.

What I mean by that are thoughts like, “I ate 200 calories, I can have more.” “I didn’t eat lunch I can eat now.” “I shouldn’t have that.” “I should have this.” Among others… I stopped interpreting my hunger and desire for food through this lens.

I just noticed when I was doing it. As I am writing, I do remember one time I overate….But it seems to have vanished. For the most part I am just losing interest when I am sated

I have tried to dismantle the belief that every thing is good or bad for you. It took a  huge amount of overeating a wide variety of forbidden foods before I trusted myself. My “social self” who learned all of the rules about eating from reading the opinions and “scientific facts” that are common in our media. We’ve been taught if we are fat we should follow strict rules of starvation. Little too heavy for a Friday evening.

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Blogging, Life Coaching

Feeling Healthy

Thought this was cute, like the two sides of my brain together.

Sitting here feeling perfectly healthy, I wonder if this time I had to get sick before I would take a day off? My week was booked and I was going out Friday night so I saw no break in the near future. I wouldn’t totally relax Thursday because I am no longer alone then and I like to have some time totally to myself. But here I sit. No headache or coughing, no runny nose or congestion after legitimately calling in sick, because I was sick. Now I feel fine. Better to rest though, it was a close call.

Understanding how at so many intersections I argue with myself. Who are these grumpy voices, I’ve memorized? Instructions about how I should live. It took a lot of work to develop a way of having food available when and in the form I need it. Even serving size. No leftovers nor being unsatisfied or overstuffed. This all had to be worked out. That was a good use of my brain, but when to eat and what has to come from my knowing.

But when I relax, when I am patient and paying attention to the moment I know exactly what to do. This is the opposite of those structures of thought, like eat every three hours. Why am I delegating power to the wrong part of the brain? I know it is getting in the way of my own knowing. The brain knows itself. You know yourself. Pay attention to your own knowing.

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Blogging, Life Coaching

I’m Fat

I think I finally understand my inability to trust myself when it comes to matters of food. I refer to it as the “think yourself thin” days. The external rules to control eating, but the truth is, you must love yourself and then learn to respect hunger and full signals.

I’ve eaten as much as I want, of all the things, until I literally made myself sick. Abandoning all of the rules lead to excess. Like Elizabeth says in Eat, Pray, Love, sometimes you just have to cross the line to find out where the line is.

The scared part. The one that has often been restricted, wasn’t willing to discuss any other arrangement. I realize I’m talking about myself in the third person, but there is distinctly a scared little girl who used to go to bed hungry. Who often felt unloved and uncared for that gets the shit scared out of her when I decide to restrict what I eat. She is part of me. A very specific part of me.

Now I know I physically made myself sick by overeating a bunch of junk I have been denying myself. Without the goal of weight loss you can pay attention to how it makes you feel. This is the only honest way to be with yourself. 

Karma bitch slapped me. I went in and bought just candy. Specifically rosebuds and rockets. I’ve been craving sugar since Halloween. The woman gave me this discount for being over sixty. I’m fifty-four. The universe has a quirky sense of humour. 

I’m fat and it is OK. My goal is to love myself as I am now.

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Targets

I actually forgot when I began to write, why I picked up the phone to write. That happens.

It was a thought I had and it has slipped away. I’m hoping it is slippery enough to slip back into my brain.

Targets, I just remembered. More than one target. So despite my self-recrimination, I’m doing quite well, or at least meeting my own goals.

I need to focus on the line between my brain’s instructions and my body’s knowing. I am aware of the fact I badger myself about everything and it is a habit I’m trying to break.

During my “think myself thin” periods I was downright abusive to myself. I doubt I am alone on that.

It is common to hear phrases like, “I shouldn’t eat that” or “exercise will make up for my indulgence” as though there is some cosmic oversight. A great balance sheet of how guilty or innocent we are of following our own rules.

Spoiler alert! Your body is keeping score, with or without your brain’s oversight. It shows the tally in weight, strength, health and happiness.

Many of us have bought into the idea that if we just ignore our bodies and bully ourselves into submission we’ll achieve some ephemeral goal and life will be perfect for a moment. That elusive future moment. Wouldn’t it make more sense to be content and happy now when we can actually enjoy it?

My personal targets of exercise and weight loss are all being met and I am still badgering myself. My left brain, logical, self does not want to give up control. But it is time.

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Eating

I found another rule from the, “I’m gonna think myself thin” era. I was eating a cookie, or rather cookie dough. I did take the precaution of using the best recipe, not just, a, recipe in case they made it into the oven. I realized there was a very small part of me that thought this was unacceptable.

Whaaat? What’s that now? It caught me off guard. I had embodied this ideal so deeply into who I was that I almost never indulged in a treat of some sort. Think empty calories, which for some reason still has pull over me.

Empty. I take whatever it is you take, I guess offence, with the use of that word. Some of my favourite foods fit the definition of empty, from the scientific community. The group that brought us agent orange and GMOs, those people, tell me that if a food doesn’t contain an item that they have identified as a benefit, biologically, then the food is empty.

I would argue that treats like ice cream, especially when truly enjoyed for the luxury it is, is not empty at all. It comes very close to an affirmation of life. A life that is so glorious. It is quite valuable to recognize that while you still have the opportunity to enjoy the things like this in life.

Anyhow, I decided to add a treat or dessert into my grocery shopping. First on the list, of course, is strawberries with whip cream. There is a super tart recipe that I took the time to photograph. All I remember is that you melt the chocolat and press the halved strawberries into it. Sounds like it might need whip cream.
Also, I have decided to stay with the stomach growl. I know I blamed it for the digestive problems I’ve been having, but I’m willing to give it a little longer to see if I can’t identify some less sever precursors to my stomach making noise.

In addition to that, I will work on trying to determine when to stop eating. That should be enough for now. Just those three things.

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Dieter’s Disease

Embarrassed to say that waiting for my stomach to growl was quite likely under eating for me. Off and on for several days I’ve had digestive upset (way worse than that) consistent with gallbladder problems. 

One of the “causes” is dieting. Also, the type of woman that gets it, and it is twice as likely for women, are: Fair, Fat, Fertile, Forty and Female. Yes, most women are female. I’m fifty, but the rest applies. I’ve spent a lot of time on-line reading about symptoms, causes and treatments.

It is alarming to realize that in the scientific literature (try google scholar) the wording is softer: ‘we think’, ‘it is consistent’, ‘it is possible’ and ‘we are trying to demonstrate’.

In stark contrast, all of the natural and homeopathy sites are certain of everything. Treatments ‘will’ work, options are ‘certainly’ better and suggestions are ‘proven’.

If I am not better soon, I’ll have to call a doctor. Thank goodness, I’m Canadian. The only reason not to call is my own reluctance.

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Tempered Ice Cream

Tempered ice cream. Take a spoonful of the ice cream and set it down. This is just temporary, you don’t need a specific set up. Then put the lid back onto the ice cream and return it to the freezer. In the time it takes to put the container away, the ice cream on the spoon is almost completely tempered. If you can, wait another minute. If not, indulge immediately. Either way, this is the perfect amount. Have more another time, there is plenty left.IMG_6875

I received two likes while writing just now. They came in back to back and my fantasy is that a friend shared it and they both liked it at the same time. None the less, I greatly appreciate all of the support that I’ve been receiving. I have been attempting to put myself out there and the support has done wonders for me. Thanks.

There was an advertisement on the radio for volunteers to go and visit elderly people perhaps to play a board game or something like that. I have recognized that one of the things I’d like to do is volunteer. The problem is, it had to be something that I enjoyed doing for its own sake. I could manage a website, for instance, but that would not satisfy all of my needs. My number one right now is loneliness. So, human contact would be required.

I wouldn’t go so far as to call that a synchronicity, and after a day or so of thought I might change my mind. It was an advertisement and that is the purpose for them. But, I did put it out there to the universe that volunteering might be a good thing.

See how I feel tomorrow.

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