I think I finally understand my inability to trust myself when it comes to matters of food. I refer to it as the “think yourself thin” days. The external rules to control eating, but the truth is, you must love yourself and then learn to respect hunger and full signals.
I’ve eaten as much as I want, of all the things, until I literally made myself sick. Abandoning all of the rules lead to excess. Like Elizabeth says in Eat, Pray, Love, sometimes you just have to cross the line to find out where the line is.
The scared part. The one that has often been restricted, wasn’t willing to discuss any other arrangement. I realize I’m talking about myself in the third person, but there is distinctly a scared little girl who used to go to bed hungry. Who often felt unloved and uncared for that gets the shit scared out of her when I decide to restrict what I eat. She is part of me. A very specific part of me.
Now I know I physically made myself sick by overeating a bunch of junk I have been denying myself. Without the goal of weight loss you can pay attention to how it makes you feel. This is the only honest way to be with yourself.
Karma bitch slapped me. I went in and bought just candy. Specifically rosebuds and rockets. I’ve been craving sugar since Halloween. The woman gave me this discount for being over sixty. I’m fifty-four. The universe has a quirky sense of humour.
I’m fat and it is OK. My goal is to love myself as I am now.