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True Love

I find myself at a precipice looking over the edge. Like a haunting scene in Star Trek , in several episodes. But I digress

Recently, as in practice what you preach, I found a little pocket of grief and let myself express it. I had never forgiven myself for falling in love with my X. 

The exercise is simple to explain yet difficult to implement. When you discover a twinge of emotion, a reaction to an event, seeing something or someone, or to something someone says or does you’ve likely learned to suppress it, ignore it. Learn to pay attention instead. 

Often it is socially inappropriate, for instance to express a true emotion as it is felt. The problem with this is that in some homes all expression of emotion is strongly discouraged. 

So make note of these twitches or pangs when they occur. Write them down if necessary. Or perhaps they are still fresh and ever present. It takes more energy to suppress emotions than it does to express them. Even though many of us have made it a practice to ignore them and shove them out of our consciousness. 

Don’t get me wrong. Expressing emotions can be difficult and it is usually painful. Sometimes, it can literally overwhelm you. So prepare for that. 

When you know you have a period of time, wrap yourself in a blanket, shawl, duvet, pretty well what ever you have. 

Don’t leave this out. Wrapping yourself in something warm is a way of calming yourself down on many levels. Then, prepare for afterwards. What will you do? A bath, shower, walk, movie, dancing….You know better than I do. 

My first choice is a walk outside. Familiar, stimulating, life in all its forms. There is some sort of healing power from being out in nature. 

I may still need to take that walk. I haven’t gotten my 7000 in yet today. Not even close. So where was I, oh yes, I found a pocket of pain.   

True to myself, I planned for afterwards. My family would be home for a few days. Perfect, my family is everything. So I carved out an evening to get in touch with what still hurt and that was it. 

I loved him completely. All of the people I love look like him. They have brought me a huge amount of perfect moments. Like I spoke about the wedding. I’ve chosen to remember the goods bits. Like he’d been hit by a truck. Instead of focusing on the catastrophe of actually separating and dividing up the stuff. 

But a gift he gave me has reasonated through my life and it has been wonderful. Unfortunately my love for him was not reciprocal. To him I was just a cog in his wheel. Easily replaceable. 

Now here I am still blaming myself for being so stupid, instead of admitting for better or worse, he was the love of my life. Question is, are we restricted to one per lifetime?

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