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I Thought I’d Better Write

It almost feels selfish, which is strange. But truth is, writing is good for business, literally in the moment

I already spoke about writing increasing book sales. Yesterday I sat down in the morning. I had so much food left over from the family visit there was no need to go to the market. No market, no coffee shop. No way of knowing if anyone would be there anyhow. 

So I wrote instead. I actually don’t know how long I wrote for. After a large chunk of time I received an email saying my stats were booming. Immediate feedback. I am grateful for it. It reminds me of the importance of making time for creativity. 

Of course, I also sold books. 

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Like dust

I mentioned earlier I had found a wee pocket of pain. With the release, I now identify a specific taste or sensation associated with it

I’m sitting here tasting it and allowing it to leave. The sensation is as of dust rising from my skin. Dead dried old dust, like the stuff that burns off the first time you turn your furnace on, when the fall arrives.

Leaving, floating away in an almost visible density. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens next. I feel good. 

Lots of outdoor exercise. I was closing my pool. I am grateful I built myself such a wonderful place to live and I am appreciating it now as I sit here writing. 

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True Love

I find myself at a precipice looking over the edge. Like a haunting scene in Star Trek , in several episodes. But I digress

Recently, as in practice what you preach, I found a little pocket of grief and let myself express it. I had never forgiven myself for falling in love with my X. 

The exercise is simple to explain yet difficult to implement. When you discover a twinge of emotion, a reaction to an event, seeing something or someone, or to something someone says or does you’ve likely learned to suppress it, ignore it. Learn to pay attention instead. 

Often it is socially inappropriate, for instance to express a true emotion as it is felt. The problem with this is that in some homes all expression of emotion is strongly discouraged. 

So make note of these twitches or pangs when they occur. Write them down if necessary. Or perhaps they are still fresh and ever present. It takes more energy to suppress emotions than it does to express them. Even though many of us have made it a practice to ignore them and shove them out of our consciousness. 

Don’t get me wrong. Expressing emotions can be difficult and it is usually painful. Sometimes, it can literally overwhelm you. So prepare for that. 

When you know you have a period of time, wrap yourself in a blanket, shawl, duvet, pretty well what ever you have. 

Don’t leave this out. Wrapping yourself in something warm is a way of calming yourself down on many levels. Then, prepare for afterwards. What will you do? A bath, shower, walk, movie, dancing….You know better than I do. 

My first choice is a walk outside. Familiar, stimulating, life in all its forms. There is some sort of healing power from being out in nature. 

I may still need to take that walk. I haven’t gotten my 7000 in yet today. Not even close. So where was I, oh yes, I found a pocket of pain.   

True to myself, I planned for afterwards. My family would be home for a few days. Perfect, my family is everything. So I carved out an evening to get in touch with what still hurt and that was it. 

I loved him completely. All of the people I love look like him. They have brought me a huge amount of perfect moments. Like I spoke about the wedding. I’ve chosen to remember the goods bits. Like he’d been hit by a truck. Instead of focusing on the catastrophe of actually separating and dividing up the stuff. 

But a gift he gave me has reasonated through my life and it has been wonderful. Unfortunately my love for him was not reciprocal. To him I was just a cog in his wheel. Easily replaceable. 

Now here I am still blaming myself for being so stupid, instead of admitting for better or worse, he was the love of my life. Question is, are we restricted to one per lifetime?

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I Couldn’t Decide

Here I sit, trying to decide if I want to write or not. I know two topics came up in the bathroom. But I forget what they were. I guess that’s another way if saying I don’t know the topic. But that topic has been mentioned before. 

I think I’ll have a smoke. I’ll be back in a moment. 

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Pet Rat

I enjoy being in a neighbourhood with an assortment of families. I had to mention my neighbour was carrying a large white pet rat. That’s fantastic! How unexpected! At first I thought it was a cat, except for the tail.

Cats tend to have fur on their tails. This tail was long and pointed and pink to boot. Now, there is a woman about ten years my junior, trying to learn how to skate board. She is with her son. Fun stuff.

There is a perceived romance to living in the country, away from the noise of the city. Truth be told, I love having neighbours. I love seeing the children playing in the street, the young parents interacting with each other and their offspring, the dog walkers and the older individuals delivering the paper and walking for exercise.

My drum playing neighbour is getting better, with increasingly complicated riffs and longer segments. She practices a lot so I’m not surprised. BTW I don’t know if the drum player is male or female. I haven’t even determined where, exactly, the sound is coming from, other than my neighbourhood.

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Sister Lost

Maggie Gyllenhaal, is a beautiful reminder of my sister, except my sister was fair with blond hair and blue eyes. But, the expressions and movements, as well as the look of her face are so similar, that when I watch, Mona Lisa Smile or Stranger than Fiction, I am always pulled into nostalgia for my lost sister. Today is her birthday. We lost her in 1996 and I fiercely miss her stillimage.

She is the only person, I know for sure, who ever loved me. She was my own personal cheerleader. I regret missing cinnabuns and cigarettes with her.

While she was alive I still believed science was my saviour. If something was “bad” for you, I still took notice and avoided it.

Little did I know how little they knew. Missed experiences. Lost joy. As far as I can tell, they ain’t got it figured out yet. But I digress.

I loved her, and she loved me back. I always felt like I was older than her. A difference that may be rooted in the fact we have different fathers.

Regardless, I loved being with her and talking to her and my heart was broken when she was taken away. It was still worth it to be sure, to have her in my life, even for a short period of time.

She would’ve loved my current home and we would be sitting out here on my balcony together drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, if she was here. Oh and the turtles, a shared delight, the candy, not the reptile, I’ve already had a few in her honour. Happy Birthday. Love you always.

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Targets

I actually forgot when I began to write, why I picked up the phone to write. That happens.

It was a thought I had and it has slipped away. I’m hoping it is slippery enough to slip back into my brain.

Targets, I just remembered. More than one target. So despite my self-recrimination, I’m doing quite well, or at least meeting my own goals.

I need to focus on the line between my brain’s instructions and my body’s knowing. I am aware of the fact I badger myself about everything and it is a habit I’m trying to break.

During my “think myself thin” periods I was downright abusive to myself. I doubt I am alone on that.

It is common to hear phrases like, “I shouldn’t eat that” or “exercise will make up for my indulgence” as though there is some cosmic oversight. A great balance sheet of how guilty or innocent we are of following our own rules.

Spoiler alert! Your body is keeping score, with or without your brain’s oversight. It shows the tally in weight, strength, health and happiness.

Many of us have bought into the idea that if we just ignore our bodies and bully ourselves into submission we’ll achieve some ephemeral goal and life will be perfect for a moment. That elusive future moment. Wouldn’t it make more sense to be content and happy now when we can actually enjoy it?

My personal targets of exercise and weight loss are all being met and I am still badgering myself. My left brain, logical, self does not want to give up control. But it is time.

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