At malls, my mother would accost people with stories of her latest ailments and as an on-looker it was the clear the person was politely making all of the right sounds and looking for a way to get away from her. Now it was me who was sick. Who am I trying to impress? Am I looking for care? It feels awful.
It also brings me face to face with another thing. A bit that I have just started wording directly, because if you ever say it out loud everyone will correct you, but it doesn’t make it less true. I have never been unconditionally loved. This woman, my mother, was so absorbed in herself, her appearance and her needs, she just gobbled everyone up around her.
I could only get her attention by impressing her or doing something for her. She would pick me up at lunch during grade school and have me deliver phone books. It was her part time job. I would run up to the door and she would drive house to house. It was simply always, all about her.
Ditto for X, except with him, I was already trained when he arrived on the scene. Which brings me to now. I have approached it with my daughters, but never the intensity of a one on one relationship. I worry that I might lose myself again. I can justify anything. But I think that I’ll allow it.
Such is the need to be loved, which I am currently suppressing. Think of how much energy that is requiring. How many other emotions am I closing myself to? You can’t be selective with this type of thing. You stop feeling, you stop feeling everything.