I was trying to create the shift in my mind from, “a man would be more work” to, “I can picture how a man would make this less work”. So I saw him standing at the stove, back to me, stirring the mushrooms and I walked over to the stove and pressed myself up against his back and wrapped my arms around him. One over his chest and the other his abdomen. Full hug.
I began sobbing and had to brace myself on the stove and counter top. Bent over sobbing. I kept remembering to bring my focus on the sensation I was feeling, however painful, and allow myself to feel the pain so that I could release it.
After a few moments, or minutes, I have no way of knowing, I made it over to a chair and sat there and continued to cry. Then I was done. It left. It was no longer causing pain and I was aware of a tingling where it had passed through me. That stayed for a while, most of the rest of the evening I believe.
So two breakthroughs, that may or may not be related, but lets talk about the fat one first. I promised.
There is a fear of losing part of who I am. I have felt like a champion of women’s rights. Yes, it is possible to be intelligent and not be Hollywood beautiful and thin and you certainly do not need to attain the second in order to be the first. Anyway, I identify with it and I need to know what that part of me needs, because I can’t believe it is to be fat.