I had a minor breakthrough. I asked myself nicely why I was hanging onto my weight and I broke into tears. I had hit on a painful truth. I feel like I am hurting the “fat” part of me. There is a part of me that identifies fully with the fat. For years I’ve been proud to carry my weight well and I did not try to diet. I recognized I ate too much, but my options were simple.
I couldn’t take a lover, I did not have time. I couldn’t drink because I couldn’t afford to let it lower my efficiency and for a while I was always driving, so that wouldn’t do. I did not believe in antidepressants and not sure I do yet. But all that to say, I knew I was eating to calm myself down and now I don’t want to continue doing that. That part of myself will not be honoured. Mmm… that doesn’t sound right.
What I know for sure. I honestly asked myself why I wanted to remain fat. Let’s just recognize up front: In any moment of decision, all available outcomes are possible. You choose the one that is in line with your goals. Always. So why do you believe your goals are one thing when in fact they are not?
There was a part that identified with being fat that was scared. Somehow it defines its identity through that belief. That is the belief I have been looking for. What does being fat mean to me? What role is it playing?