Now, where was I? Oh yeah, a mate. I think wanting a dog may have been a substitute for wanting to be able to hold someone against me. Not as a mate, per se, but a physical companion. Someone to cuddle with while watching television and possibly sleep with you, if they weren’t too disruptive.
My experience brought a memory of what it feels like to let your heart touch another. I’ve been denying myself that. That door has been closed. And like with any other emotion you do not allow yourself to feel, you block others as well. How much other love am I blocking trying to stop myself from feeling that intimate type? I hope to find out – knock on wood.
The first step for me was to take out a one month membership on a dating site and just see what happened. It was a frightening disaster. I’m fine, but I felt vulnerable and seemed to pull out only crazy guys. So I decided I needed help. I began telling almost everyone that I was thinking about this. It occurred to me that what I also needed to add was that I was open to meeting new people, so if they knew of anyone, who wasn’t a prick, I would be interested in hearing about them.
It has taken a lot to open up to people and finally admit that I’m trying to get back out there. For years I was adamant that being single was the best thing for me. In addition, all of my girls were here and that would make me even more leery about getting involved with anyone, good or bad.